Another Way to Combat PAS

So this is my own journey, as I learn more about this syndrome, both for the sake of my skids, as well as for my clients who are victims of this awful practice.

At first, I thought combating PAS had to happen in the court system. The targeted parent needed the additional power/authority of a judge and an order backing up the child's need to have both parents. And this really is an important step.

Secondly, I focused on helping the children get a different story. When the only story they heard was from the alienating parent, then all of the energy of the targeted parent was used up attempting to "counter" that story. The other parent did NOT abandon you, the other parent did NOT stop loving you, the other parent has NOT started a whole new family and forgotten all about you. It was so important for the children to not feel a total loss.

Thirdly, I focused on restoring the targeted parent's "goodness" in the eyes of the child. Unfortunately, this is where a lot of (understandably) defensive targeted parents start. They cannot see that it's more important for their child's emotional needs to be met... they only see that they've been slandered, denigrated, trashed, etc. In many cases, they not only have to defend themselves against accusations being made to the children, but also public accusations that have huge consequences. So it's reasonable for the targeted parent to want to defend their reputation. But it should come third, after the children's emotional need has been met.

Fourth -- this is what I learned recently, or I should say, learned at a whole new level -- it's important to focus on modeling appropriate adult behavior for the kids to see. I commented on this in the "buying Christmas presents" thread. But it really came out for me recently when I was working with one of my clients, a targeted BM (rare!!), who worried about finding balance between time with her children, and time with adults in her life. She believed that spending time with adults during those precious few weekends when she had her children with her would take away from her time with her children. I asked her "when do your children EVER get to witness their mother being treated with dignity and respect by other grown-ups?" Never. "So the one and only model of behavior for how you are to be treated is the one they are getting from...?" Yep, that's right. From the man who has launched the non-stop denigration campaign for years.

Bottom line: let kids see their targeted parent interacting with other adults -- the ones who will honor that parent, show respect and dignity, and give energy to that parent. It is not only one more weapon in the arsenal against PAS, it is a gift to the kids.

We think of "teaching" our children by talking to them, instructing them, perhaps reading to them, explaining homework to them. We teach our children far more with our actions than we ever do with our words. Yet we don't spend anywhere near as much time truly examining the things we DO in front of our children and asking ourselves the key question: what is my child learning from me right now?

Blessings and positive energy to all... especially those who deal daily with PAS.

Peace.

Whose Weekend Is It, Anyway?

One of the first things I teach parents is to change the words they use.

Parents are parents ALL the time. And children are NOT possessions.

I realize that the law treats the children like possessions. I realize that many parents do, too. I realize that many parents truly wish that their former spouse would simply wither and disappear, or get abducted by aliens, or in some other way vanish from the planet. This of course comes from an angry-ex-spouse place, and not from an understanding-the-emotional-needs of their children place.

Too many attitudes treat kids as though they are a trophy to be passed back and forth and fought over. As though they are merely one more "thing" to be split apart, like the bank account and the household furniture.

But reality is, children are 98.6-degree human beings with feelings and emotional needs, and one of the greatest needs they have is to remain in relationship with both parents. And, the reality is, that both parents remain parents after divorce. And no matter what a "custody" and "possession" order state, a parent is a parent 24/7.

So, let's change the way we talk about those relationships.

"Custody" = let's eliminate this word altogether. "Custody" implies that the children "belong" to one parent, and the other parent gets to "borrow" them from time to time. "Joint custody" (the real kind, not the joke that's written into most legal statutes), if it's truly a rebuttable presumption in the law, means that both parents are parents. Okay. Then no need for words to say it.

"Custody battle" = eliminated too. All parents remain parents. No need to fight.

"Possession" = "primary/active parenting time". One parent has a period of time when they are the primary/active parent. They are the first line responsible for the kids during that time. They take care of the kids in all ways, feed them, clothe them, house them, taxi them, support them, cheer for them, teach them, etc. The other parent is the "secondary" during this time. Think of it like a team where one player is out on the field, while another one is on the bench. The benched player is still on the team, still at the game, and ready to go out on the field if needed. Both are still players, both are still on the team, both are still responsible for the team's success... it's just that one is actively on the field while the other is back-up. And then they switch places.

"Access" = this is another phrase that should simply be eliminated. Every child ought to have access to both parents, any time they want it. A child of a non-divorced family can talk to Mom or Dad whenever they need to; call either parent on the phone; spend time with either parent as needed. Children should not have to lose this access to either parent just because the parents have decided to divorce.

"My time" = see "Possession". It isn't the PARENT'S time to own the kids. It's the CHILDREN'S time to be primarily in the care of that parent. Let's just stop using "my time" and "your time", "it's your Mom's week", "this is your Dad's weekend", "I get Christmas", etc. Children should never have to hear themselves referred to in this way. There is no quicker way to make a child feel like a piece of meat.

Imagine how much more quickly children would recover from divorce, if they knew that they were still cared-for by two loving parents. If children knew that today, Dad is your primary call, but Mom is right there as back-up... or next week, Mom is your primary, but Dad is right there as back-up. And you can call and talk to either one without getting dirty looks or snide comments. And it's okay to love either one, and to look forward to a relationship with either one.

Parents, parents, parents: it's not "your" weekend. It's your children's lifetime. If you truly love them, then you will erase these harmful words from your vocabulary, and practice saying the words that actually support relationship with two parents. If you struggle with this, then it's okay to get help. Talk it over with a counselor or coach - ask how to resolve the emotions that are blocking your way to being the kind of parent your children truly need: the kind that values their relationship with the other parent.

It's time to learn a new language: the language of Parental Support.

Peace.

Use Professionals Wisely

When we approach divorce, the most obvious professional that we believe we must engage is an attorney. After all, the act of getting un-married is a legal event, and we want to make sure that we have correctly completed all pre-requisites for accomplishing that according to the law.

If divorce were merely a sterile legal event, with no emotional, or financial, or family ties, then the only role of an attorney would be as something of a clerk: to check procedure, ensure that all paperwork was correctly filed, and to prepare to legally dissolve the entity called "your marriage", which no longer exists.

But, divorce is not sterile. Feelings are involved. Parties are disappointed, hurt, betrayed, frightened, sad, angry, anxious, or otherwise distressed. And since we don't know how to deal with the emotional part, we tend to absorb it into the legal part. Rather than saying "I feel betrayed, and I don't know what to do with that", we say "that S.O.B. cheated, and I'm going to skewer him in court!" We expect the legal system, via a judge, to first validate our feelings; and second to 'fix' them by giving us something tangible, such as the marital assets or the children.

Once the feelings start to impact our legal decisions, we transition from using the legal profession as a compliance mechanism, to using it as a retribution mechanism. Rather than asking an attorney to make sure that the paperwork gives us a legal divorce, we ask an attorney to protect our 'rights' in the law.

Take your emotions in to the average attorney, and at best, you will find yourself paying attorney's hourly rates in order to get some emotional ranting off your chest... something you could have done for about half the price, had you gone to a licensed psychologist instead. At worst, you will stumble into one of the handful of attorneys who love to make their living off of highly emotional, combative, angry, and irrational people who cross their thresholds. Such an attorney can keep you in your emotional state, keep the conflict stirred up, and keep the fees pouring in.

You may feel a sense of hope -- a promise that if this attorney can protect all of your 'rights', then the feelings of anger, sadness, betrayal, grief, disappointment, and fear will go away. The problem is, they don't go away. Even if you somehow "won" everything in the divorce (extremely unlikely), even if you got 100% of the marital assets, the kids, and a permanent latch onto your ex-spouse's future income, you'd still be saddled with the exact same emotions that you had before. This is because those emotions do not go away by fighting in court. Those emotions only go away when you do the heart work that it requires to deal with them. And that does not happen in a courtroom... that happens in a counselor's office.

Getting through divorce is huge. It is not something to be taken on by an amateur. By the same token, there is no one single professional who can handle every aspect of your divorce. Use an attorney to help you take care of the legal part. Use a counselor to help you take care of the emotional part. Use a financial expert to help you take care of the financial part.

Use a coach to help you manage all of those parts, help you find the right professionals, and help you engage that at the right point and in the most optimum way. What you'll find is that -- when all is said and done -- you got through your divorce with more of your dignity intact, more of your heart intact, and more of your assets intact. This is the best possible position to be in when rebuilding a life of singledom, after dissolving your marriage.

Peace.

The Gift of Listening

Quite often when I'm working with parents as they learn to co-parent effectively, I discover that a good many folks don't know the basics of listening.

Listening with your heart and your energy is a gift you give to someone else. It entails putting your own needs "on-hold". This not only includes the need to speak (that's the obvious one, since you cannot listen and speak at the same time), it also includes the need to "be right", the need to judge, the need to defend yourself or your image, the need to feel better about yourself or the situation, the need to be heard, and the need to correct or persuade the other person to agree with your point of view.

Listening with your whole self also includes paying attention to the non-verbal cues the other person is sending. It means engaging at a level where you can really understand them. Its objective is to fully connect with the other person, right where they are.

So, getting straight from theory, see if you can spot how the following statements put listening into a whole new realm:

"Wow! That seems really huge to you - will you tell me more?"

"What happened?"

"How did that make you feel?"

"What would you like instead?"

"Help me understand how this would make a difference for you"

"You seem really worked up over this - can you let me see why this is important to you?"

"What do you need from me?"

Remember, the gift is not in merely asking the question. The gift is in putting your own needs on hold and truly staying in the question with the other person, until you have connected on a heart level. This is not the same thing as merely allowing them to speak until they have to take a breath... and then jumping in with your own defense. If you are truly listening with your heart, you will suppress the urge to defend yourself. The gift is to make it about THEM, not about YOU.

This is more difficult than you may believe, and it takes a lot of practice.

One thing that helps during practice is quickly admitting when you didn't get it on that particular attempt.

Try this: "Oops - you started talking about something you needed, and I accidentally went to a place where I was getting defensive and wanting to point out times when I already gave you what you needed. That's not what I wanted to do here. I wanted to listen to you and hear what you really need. Can we please try that conversation again?"

Or: "Oh I apologize - I started thinking about how that particular thing made ME feel, and I really didn't want to focus on that. I would rather focus on how YOU felt. Will you please tell me that again?"

The gift of listening is especially powerful when we are with our children. Too often, we think we are in a "teaching moment" when we actually are not. Or, what we end up "teaching" our children is that we are more inclined to pontificate than to listen to their hearts. Too often, what our children learn in those "teaching moments" is that they cannot approach their parent and share. Other times, we believe it's more important to convince our children that they must behave a certain way - not for their sakes, but because we as parents fear for our images. Guilt-ridden post-divorce parents are especially vulnerable to this particular temptation.

Imagine what it might be like for your child to speak with you, knowing full well that you were NOT going to respond with a lecture, a sweeping solution, a judgment of them or their idea or their friends, or some re-write of their perception that protects your image. Imagine how it feels to a kid to be validated and valued for their own thoughts, feelings, and ideas.

Divorce often exposes poor parenting habits that became entrenched during marriage. What was "good enough" when there were two parents in the same home is now not enough when parents are trying to re-build their own lives and help their children recover from a shattered family as well. You may desperately want to hear that your children are "doing fine", that they are "adjusting", that they are "happy". (And, if you are still carrying around bitterness and acrimony toward your children's other parent, you may also enjoy hearing that your children are "miserable" whenever they are with that other parent - and believe me, your children will pick up on that desire, and very likely oblige it.) It may feel temporarily good to have your children validate your needs... but it isn't very mature, and it certainly damages your children.

Better to get your emotional energy from grown-ups... and then use that energy to give your children the greatest gift: the gift of listening.

Peace.

The "Kobe Bryant" Effect

Anyone who is familiar with professional basketball has seen what happens when the L.A. Lakers are falling behind in a clutch game. At some point, Kobe Bryant -- an amazingly talented basketball player -- will "take charge". He will take the ball to the basket rather than pass it off to a teammate. More importantly, he will draw individual members of the opposing team into a game of "one-on-one". His ability to make the impossible shot is rivaled by his ability to reduce each member of the opposing team into one single player flanked by four non-contributors.

Whenever Kobe Bryant can succeed in this strategy and suck the opposing player into taking him on single-handedly, then most of the time, Kobe wins.

What does this have to do with divorce?

Only this: there are two possible ways to re-structure your family and move on with your post-divorce life. One is to engage a team full of people - professionals, such as your attorney, your therapist, your accountant; as well as non-professionals, such as your best friend, your sister, or your golfing buddy. Each of these team members has a role to play, and each can and should be trusted with specific aspects (notice I did not say "all") of your divorce experience. The other way to re-structure your family is to take on your soon-to-be ex-spouse, one on one.

This can happen in several ways. You may be hiding your head in the sand, hoping that all the divorce madness will go away if you don't acknowledge it. Don't seek for attorneys, don't address the emotional issues, pretend your children are "just fine".

Another way to play one on one is to hire an attorney with the hope that they will "fix everything", and protect you from getting ripped apart in the divorce. This is often the kind of attorney that you will later complain is unresponsive to you, doesn't answer your phone calls, or do what you ask them to do. Well... why would they, when you did not develop a professional relationship with them in the first place?

Like Kobe Bryant and the L.A. Lakers, there can be times when it appears that two teams are on the court, when in actuality, their team power has been nullified.

And just like any team opposing the Lakers, if you attempt to go one-on-one in your divorce, you will probably lose. And by "lose", I don't mean the opposite of "win". Nobody "wins" a divorce. Nobody. By "lose", I mean to forego so much of your personal power, your dignity, your family, your emotional support, your financial control, that recovery from the devastation requires years - and perhaps even a lifetime - of rebuilding.

What can you do instead? Engage with the professionals in your divorce. Don't hand it all off to an attorney and say "wake me when it's over". Make your attorney a partner in the divorce process from the beginning. When interviewing prospective attorneys, steer clear of the ones who say "leave it all to me". As appealing as that sounds when you are overwhelmed, it will come back to haunt you later, when your attorney drives off with your divorce and you are no longer in control. You want to start right off with an attorney who engages as the legal expert, but who leaves you clearly in charge of the divorce itself.

Likewise, engage with a counselor or therapist from the start. There is simply no way you or your children can reasonably expect to get through this without some massive emotional upheaval. So recognize that you will need someone who is trained to listen, to provide support and counsel, to guide you and your family as you move into the next phase. Start right out with this person so that you can take advantage of their guidance before you make costly mistakes that will be much more difficult to fix later on.

If you can find a good coach to bring all of these pieces together, you will be light years ahead. During divorce, you are resource-depleted. You have neither the time nor the wherewithal to sort through all of the free advice coming at you; likewise, you may find it overwhelming to attempt a search for professionals that you know nothing about. However, a good coach can listen to you, hear the major elements of concern, and then recommend several professionals for you to choose from. Along with a recommendation, you should expect a good coach to tell you why they recommended that particular professional for you, as well as give you a list of questions you can ask, and the types of answers you should listen for, in that initial interview, before you sign a contract or pay a retainer.

A divorce coach is no different from the coach of any other team. Their job is to bring all of the players together, to optimize performance of each one to bring about a common goal. They can select which player needs to be in the game, and when. They can call the plays, while also leaving the ultimate decisions to the ones actually out on the playing floor. Most importantly, they can prevent a "Kobe" on the opposing team from engaging you in a deadly one-on-one match, that you will ultimately lose.

The best way to get through divorce is the most peaceable way. When a good coach is optimizing a professional team on your behalf, it not only brings the divorce conclusion around more quickly, it also minimizes the individual one-on-one conflict along the way.

Peace.

Book Review - "The Power of a Positive No"

“The Power of a Positive No” by William Ury

William Ury is the co-author of the “Bible” of negotiators, “Getting to Yes” (written along with Roger Fisher); and also authored the follow-up book “Getting Past No”. Ury writes that this third book, “The Power of a Positive No” is the final element of the trilogy. By applying the understanding presented in these three books, negotiators of all stripes are able to bring disputing parties together into agreement.

In daily life, we all understand the need for boundaries. We also instinctively realize that in order to protect our boundaries, we must learn to say “No”. “No” is a necessary tool. However, this creates a dilemma for relationship. How do we maintain a boundary space between our Self and Others, while remaining linked to that Other?

Enter the technique of “Yes! No. Yes?” Ury presents this series of responses as the powerful way to say “No” (maintain a boundary), while still preserving relationship.

Here is how it works: your “Yes!” represents your values and your fundamental character. It is rooted in the unchangeable features that make up what you are. It emphatically states what you stand for, and what is immovable in your life. It may be important to you to say “Yes!” to integrity, honesty, love, kindness, generosity, or hard work. It is where your purpose, passion, and personal vision live. It is expressed with exclamation because it is just that bold and meaningful.

Your “No.” represents your boundary. It stands for what is not okay with you, or what you will not do, allow, or agree to. It affirms your right as a human being to make autonomous choices. It is stated with clarity and straightforward expression, without any extraneous explanation or excuse. It is a simple statement that preserves your self-respect as well as the dignity of the Other. It treats all parties with a clear, concise, specific line over which you will not cross.

Your “Yes?” represents a reaching out to the Other. It proposes an alternate plan, one that will not violate your values or vision, but extends connection to the Other in order to preserve relationship. It places value on both your own personal identity, while still valuing the needs and wants of the Other.

Your “Yes?” is freely given, no strings attached. You will not back off from your “No.”, you will not renounce your “Yes!”, but the “Yes?” is an offer. It is put forth to the Other as an invitation – and it is entirely the choice of the Other whether they will accept your “Yes?” offer, decline it, or make a counteroffer. If they make a counteroffer, then you can start all over again with the “Yes! No. Yes?” technique. If the counteroffer does not violate your “Yes!” or your “No.”, then you have agreement, and both your Self and your relationship is preserved and strengthened.

William Ury presents a wealth of examples from everyday life, as well as from his extensive experience as a negotiator, to demonstrate this technique. In his book, he breaks out each of the elements of the “Yes! No. Yes?” tool, and carefully tutors the reader in how to be effective at each step. A good portion of the early chapters is dedicated to helping the reader identify and clarify their values, so that they can be quite solid in the expression of their “Yes!”

In the middle chapters, he illustrates the “No.” statement with multiple examples – each demonstrating the principles of firmness, respect, conciseness, and clearness that he espouses. The final chapters provide a multitude of ideas to creatively extend the “Yes?”, as well as how to respond to the Other when they accept your “Yes?”, or when they return with a counteroffer.

This book is highly recommended, not only to alternative dispute practitioners, but to anyone who negotiates in everyday life. If you can fog a mirror, you need this book. It will improve the quality of all of your relationships, both the ones that you have opted into for the joy of it, as well as the ones that you are bound to by necessity or circumstance.

Peace.

Thinking the Unthinkable

Recently, a fellow blogger friend of mine and I had an exchange that sparked a conversation.

In his blog, he spoke of some of the things that he had experienced in his divorce. Things that seem outlandish to anyone who has never actually experienced them for themselves. We talked about the many times that he had been blind-sided by the antics that his wife engaged in, all in the name of "divorce war".

And, as you know, it's my passion to help people avoid such wars.

And, as most people realize, one way to avoid war, or even one skirmish in it, is to see it coming, so you can prepare for it. Yet, as I remarked to my friend, it's often frustrating in my line of work to warn someone who is smack-dab in the midst of the skirmish of an impending attack... and hear them respond "Oh, my spouse would never do that!" It happened often enough, that when my friend made mention of it as we commented about his blog, I realized it was time to think this through some more. If I could not learn a way to help my clients understand and get past their blindness, I would be doing them a disservice.

So, I thought about what causes a person who is going through divorce to get taken by ambush by the shenanigans of their spouse. And I am talking about the stuff that happens often enough (sadly) that it's easy for those of us who are familiar with the course of divorce to predict with pretty fair accuracy when then next stunt is going to get pulled. When you know what to look for, you can see it coming for miles.

I realized that a big part of the problem is that there is cognitive dissonance for a divorcing person, between the married life that they once knew, the marriage partner that they once knew, and the life they are transitioning into presently. I wrote about this in a guest blog on my friend's site (see www.thepsychoexwife.com).

But mere understanding is not a remedy in and of itself. So, I also tried something new with one of my clients today, and asked her for permission to share how it worked with my readers.

As she and I spoke, I heard the classic sounds of "oh, my spouse would never do that!" In her case, the words were not exact, but the overall gist was the same. So I said "will you take a short walk with me?" She looked puzzled, but agreed.

We walked down the hall of my building and out onto the sidewalk. Across the street a man had just parked his car and was hurrying into a nearby building, carrying a briefcase. I asked my client "do you recognize that man?" She replied that she did not.

I asked her "what do you know about him?"

"Only that he looked middle-aged, seemed to be in a hurry, and was carrying a bag."

I thanked her for trusting me, and said "Let's go back inside." After we returned to the office, I explained: "Someday in the future, you will see your husband somewhere, a random glimpse, and it will occur to you that you know longer know him. He will seem like a stranger to you. You will hardly know more about him than what you know right now about that man on the street. It will probably even feel strange and quite distant to recall anything about him. That's the destination of this part of the journey for your brain. Can you imagine that happening?"

She struggled for a moment, but finally mentally merged the image of the stranger on the street with an image of her husband. I prodded her: "Imagine that all you know of your husband is that he is middle-aged, seems to be in a hurry, and is carrying a bag. Keep that picture in your mind until it seems real to you and not merely imagination."

I was really glad she was able to trust me! Finally, she nodded.

And I said to her: "That man you are picturing right now, that total stranger who merely looks like your husband... that is the person you are divorcing. You know no more about him - his intentions, his cares, his drives, his plans - than you did about the man on the street. From this point forward, you simply have no way to predict what he will do."

Now, I may have overstated the magnitude of the situation, to make an impact. But finally, it got through. My client needed to understand that the man she was divorcing was not the man who had bought her flowers, rubbed her feet, or gotten up early to make the coffee.

One need not transform their soon-to-be-ex into some demon, nor resort to paranoia, to avoid the surprise attack that can take place in divorce war. As I mentioned in the other blog post, we must always hope for the best behavior, of both ourselves and our divorcing spouse. But, to avoid a prolonged, painful, scorch-the-earth war, we must also prepare for the worst. And step one in that preparation, is to trust your coach when he or she tells you "oh yes, your soon-to-be-ex spouse would do that."

Peace.

Random, and Completely Unrelated...

In my life prior to becoming a divorce coach, I was involved in the aerospace industry. It was a great, rewarding, and joyous career, and I am thankful for it. Today's blog has nothing to do with divorce. It's just a little blurb I wrote a while back, after I had learned to fly. Read on:

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Recently, I was given the opportunity to finally learn to fly a real airplane. After years of collaborating with pilot review teams to develop cockpits, I was finally going to learn firsthand what it was like to truly use my product. Up until this point, I had spent countless hours “flying” our test cockpits in the simulators. But the many pilots on my test teams insisted over and over that I could not know what it was truly like, until I had truly flown.

They were right. And so, after finally learning to fly for real, I realized that there were some important life lessons that went along with the flying lessons. At least, this is what the experience taught me:

1. You can control a simulator with millions of lines of code and control laws and rules and logic statements. You don't control real flight: you surrender to the laws of nature (gravity, Bernoulli's principle, physics) and the airplane flies itself. If you hit turbulence, have a cross-wind, get out of trim, or slightly "off-course" you inspect, adapt, and correct. If you over-correct, you inspect, adapt, and correct back in the other direction. You are never "perfectly" on... except for a teeny instant when you are going past 'perfect' on your way out to the other side of the pendulum. And that's okay.
2. When you sit in a simulator, you feel NOTHING. This is because there is nothing at stake. If you crash, the dome goes black and the technicians will tease and harass you a bit. But you have never left safe, secure, terra firma, and somewhere, your brain knows that. When you sit in a real plane, you feel the wind, the surge of forces against the controls, the pressure of the stick and the rudders; you feel the force of gravity as you lift off... you feel twice the force of gravity as you make a steep 60-degree angle turn and it pins you back into your seat. You feel a thrill of watching the altimeter zip past 2000, 3000, 4000, 5000 and you look down at tiny little roads and trucks and houses and lakes. You feel a twinge of excitement and panic as you realize you are high up in the air. You feel your "oh s***" moments when you realize you didn't pull your nose up correctly and you just lost 200 feet of altitude. You FEEL it ALL. You are taking a risk to live a reality, and somewhere, your brain knows that.
3. You cannot make an airplane take off. You just put all of the elements into place and it will take off when it's ready. You point it into the wind if you can... you give it all the speed you can... you pull back and give it all the lift vector that you can... and then you surrender and let the natural laws do what they will do. You cannot make a simulator take off. No matter what you do, you will just be sitting there, in a dome, strapped into a seat that a lot of people spent a lot of time and a lot of money to make *look* just like you are flying. But no matter what, you will always just be sitting there.
4. Flying an airplane is ALL IN. From the second you strap into the seat... you push all your chips to the middle and play hard with all you've got. If you're not prepared to do that, you don't get in at all. There is no halfway. There is no control-P to pause it. There is no withholding a portion; keeping one leg on the ground; or being wishy-washy about your commitment. There is certainly no "pretending to fly" or "wearing a mask" of flight. It is undeniably, unshakably R.E.A.L.
5. Off the ground is off the ground. If you're going to fly, you may as well soar all the way to the stratosphere (well, allowing for equipment limits, but you know what I mean). It is no scarier or riskier to fly at 5,000 feet than at 1,000... so why needlessly limit yourself? Fly higher!!!
6. Most of the joy of flight is paying attention to what is going on outside the airplane... not what's going on inside. So... break away from the control panel as often as you can, learn to *feel* your way so you don't have to constantly monitor your instruments and gages -- and look out the window and enjoy the amazing view!

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That's it. Sometimes, especially when you are smack-dab in the thick of the most difficult thing you've ever done, such as divorce, it's good to take some time out and soar. I hope you did today.

Peace.

The Way It Looks To Them

The following is an excerpt from an e-mail I received from one of my clients (used with permission):

"We continue to struggle with my stepson's relationship with his mother." [the court had awarded primary custody of the 15-year-old boy to the father, two years ago; the mother agreed to shift custody because she recognized that the boy needed to be with his father more once he entered his teen years; this e-mail is from the boy's stepmother]. "We try to explain our values to her, but she still thinks she can make up for abandoning her son by buying him off. Now she has promised him a car for his 16th birthday, after we told her not to. We are still recovering from the cell phone fiasco she started when she bought him his own cell phone. It's impossible to enforce the court order restricting her phone calls when he has access to his own phone. We try very hard to teach our son to resist all these materialistic bribes, but he's only 15. He's really confused because he seems to think that love equals stuff. How do we help him see that phones and cars are not love?"

Sounds quite innocent, right? Someone in a parental role, hoping to rear their child with solid, respectable values.

Here is what that 15-year old boy hears:

"Your mother doesn't love you."
"Your mother has abandoned you."
"Your mother doesn't want you to interfere with her selfish, materialistic life."
"Your mother is a bad person, and if you accept these gifts, that makes you a bad person, too."
"You should not want to contact your mother."
"You cannot have a relationship with your mother, and also have a good relationship with your father at the same time."
"You are bad person if you want a cell phone or a car."

When I informed my client of the messages she was sending to her step-son, she vehemently denied it. "Oh no," she said, "I never ever say these things around him."

When I explained to her that these were the messages he was receiving, whether or not they were what she intended to send, then she returned to her original position: that the mother had abandoned her position as parent. My client then wanted to know how she could convey "the truth" to her step-son in a way that "wouldn't damage him."

What I said to her, I say to all parents, step-parents, grandparents, and any other quasi-parental role: it is not your job to make sure your child knows "the truth" about their other parent. There is simply no way you can do this without damage. Even if there were a way to do it without damage, it is still not your job.

Even if the child seems "confused." Not your job.

What is your job? To let that kiddo know that YOU love them, support them, will be there for them, no matter what. That's it. You can tell them YOUR feelings ("I love you"), YOUR intentions ("I will always have your back"), and YOUR commitment ("I will never abandon you"), but you cannot tell them someone else's. Don't even try.

The interesting thing is, if the parents, step-parents, grandparents, and other quasi-parents will just do this one thing - their own part - the kiddos grow up healthier. They own their own "truth", and they can handle it... in large part because of the gift of emotional health given to them by grown-ups who were secure enough themselves to do their own job.

Peace.

"It's All Your Fault!" Book Review

The following is a book review I published in the Tarrant County Association of Mediators regular newsletter.


"It's All Your Fault! (12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything)" Bill Eddy (2008).

Five stars (out of five). Highly recommended for all ADR practitioners.

Bill Eddy is an attorney, mediator, and licensed therapist who has focused his practice on what he calls "High Conflict Personalities" (HCP). In the psychopathology realm, HCP are often people who exhibit traits of personality disorders that result in an amount of conflict that is higher than the population norm. While Bill Eddy has previously published a number of commendable books, all generously exhibiting his unique perspective, this particular book is remarkable for two very strong reasons.

First, Eddy puts all the psychological knowledge in lay terms. He describes high conflict behavior that is easy to identify by any mediator, without necessitating a psychology degree to do so. He makes it clear that the existence of the traits is enough to justify practicing the techniques that he advocates - in other words, there is no need for a formal diagnosis, nor intensive psychotherapy in order to successfully interact with an HCP person. He draws very simply point-to-point lines between behavior and the possible emotional disturbances that may be taking place inside the mind of the HCP. This helps him explain how his techniques to deal with these HCPs work. Which leads to the second strength of this book.

As mentioned, Eddy doesn't try to turn every layperson into a practicing psychologist. Instead, Eddy simply creates a very straightforward "if you see this, then do that" instruction set that can be used by anyone, in any mediation. This instruction set includes both the proactive things a person can do when dealing with an HCP, as well as the maladaptive reactions that a person may ordinarily do, but that they should avoid when dealing with an HCP. Using everyday examples of interactions with HCPs, Eddy constructs possible responses in each example, and then discusses why each one will or will not work.

For mediators who believe in interest-based negotiation, these examples are the real gems of the book. With each one, Eddy reveals the emotional interests that are often driving HCP participants. These are the interests that often escape detection in a mediation. The emotional interests of an HCP often seem to be expressed in just the opposite manner than one who is not similarly emotionally challenged would predict. So, high-conflict interactions, taken at face value, often seem intractable in mediation. Eddy's book provides a path of understanding to the emotions of an HCP person, so that uncovering their interests -- the goal of interest-based negotiation -- can be achieved.

Eddy's book also serves an important "big picture" purpose. In his introduction, Eddy points out the cultural and environmental shifts that have caused our society to increase in combativeness in recent generations. This helps to lay a great framework for motivating alternative dispute resolution. Those of us who are dedicated to mediation and other alternative methods of dispute resolution can often get our best intentions knocked "off-center" whenever we encounter a high-conflict individual. It can leave us feeling as though we have failed as mediators. When we see the increase in conflict in our society, and read Eddy's explanation for why it exists, it can re-energize us in our purpose to more passionately evangelize a better way to solve disputes.

Part II of "It's All Your Fault!" outlines the "CARS" method for dealing with HCPs. This includes a worksheet that Eddy gives permission for the reader to re-copy and use in each encounter with an HCP. Along with the "CARS" method, Eddy utilizes other acronyms and helpful mnemonics to aid the mediator or conflict resolver in remembering the steps in the methods. This is handy, because, as Eddy explains, when we are dealing with HCPs, their emotionality can be contagious - and it can cause us, the mediator, to shut down the thinking/reasoning part of our brain. Having a quick, easy way to reconnect with our own thinking/reasoning brain will allow us to use the tools to help the HCP get out of emotionality and back into thinking/reasoning as well.

I recommend that any mediator add this particular book to their library. But don't let it set there collecting dust! This is one of those books that you will refer back to again and again, every time you encounter another high conflict person in your everyday mediation practice.

"It's All Your Fault!" is only available from Bill Eddy's High Conflict Institute website: www.highconflictinstitute.com; or from Janis Publications: www.janispublications.com.

Peace.

Psych Evals - The Nuts and Bolts

Once you have been immersed in the system known as "Family" court, you will often find yourself amidst a swirl of different activities about which you know almost nothing. The biggest problem with this is, right when you want to make the best decisions you can for yourself and your family, you cannot seem to get the information you need.

So... from time to time on my blog, we'll have some nuts and bolts lessons. This is one.

Many acrimonious divorces are a fight about who should "get" the children. One of the family court tools available for attempting to figure that out is the psychology evaluation.

In the state where I practice, and in many other states as well, from I've learned, there are basically three types of evaluation.

Forensic Psychology evaluation: this is the most in-depth evaluation; it includes childhood history, any previous psych/counseling history, may include multiple evaluative instruments such as the Beck Depression Inventory, MMPI, or others; and interviews with extended family members and anyone else close enough to the family to provide insight. It is very thorough, and often involves several lengthy interviews with each party. The information is *not* privileged - meaning the report can be entered as evidence, and the Forensic Psychologist can be called as an expert witness - and while any specific item in the report (such as a previous counselor's verbal summary to the Forensic Psychologist) cannot be subpoena'ed, the conclusions made by the Forensic Psychologist are subject to any form of discovery, including subpeona. Usually, a Forensic Psych eval is court-ordered, considered impartial (that is, the Psychologist is not hired by either 'side'), and usually the judge is the one asking for the report back. The attorneys for the two sides then spend their time attempting to squelch or mitigate any damaging testimony brought out by the Forensic Psych. Unlike a Social Study or CPS study (see below), a Forensic Psychologist can enter a conclusion as to which is the "better" parent, if they so choose. Typically, a Forensic Psychologist is one that has plenty of schooling, long-term specialized experience, and multiple specialty licenses. They are generally well-respected by the court, and their conclusions are more trusted. They are also (in my opinion and experience) less likely to make a mistake, come to a wrongful conclusion, or be bamboozled by the superficial charms of either party. They are also a lot more costly.

Social Study - also called a home study, or parenting evaluation, this is usually the method employed by most courts to determine if there is any "danger" to a child. It is *not* supposed to determine which is the "better" parent, only to rule out any parent that would be dangerous. A Social Study can be requested by either party, or by the judge. Unfortunately, since the purpose of a social study is often intended by one of the parties to provide justification for reducing parent-child involvement, accusations against the other parent are often exaggerated, so as to meet the "danger" threshold, since merely meeting the "better-than" threshold isn't enough to convince the court to adjust parenting time. A social study is often conducted by lesser-qualified individuals: folks that may only have a masters degree in social work or psychology, who often are just starting out and don't have a lot of experience, and who may more easily be swayed by the superficial charms of someone trying to circumvent the system. They may also not be as adept at selected or interpreting evaluative instruments such as the MMPI. In addition, a Social Study is usually less rigorous and thorough than a forensic evaluation; many times consisting of a single 50-minute session with each party, and then a 1-hour session at each party's home, evaluating both the home's safety and appearance, as well as evaluating how the children interact with the parent in the home environment. Considering that they always give at least 72-hour notice of a home visit, it's rather easy for anyone to gloss it up temporarily. Because of these limitations, judges are less likely to weigh the results of a home study heavily... although I have also seen it go the other direction: if a judge is biased toward a pre-determined outcome and wants justification to back up his/her decision, then if the home study says what they want it to say, all of a sudden, it's v-e-r-y important.

Child/Family Protective Services Evaluation: this is the bottom rung of evaluations, and often means nothing (unless, again, it backs up the judge's pre-determined outcome). Usually conducted by students who are interning their first Mental Health Professional job and working for barely more than minimum wage on an overloaded case load, a CPS eval has as much chance of reflecting reality as a coin toss. I've personally reviewed "home studies" on case loads that when you do the math, the evaluator could not possibly have spent more than 5-10 minutes in each home they claimed to have visited. Physical evidence means more than anything to these people, so if you have any (bruises, scratch marks, etc.) take photos. They are so poorly trained that many of them don't even know how to spell "psychology". So forget about mentioning verbal abuse, emotional abuse, personality disorders, etc. to them... you probably know more about these than they do. They are also the most easily biased - which means the first person to make a claim has the upper hand. (by the way, this is also true of many of the Social Study/Home Study folks, so if you do find yourself the subject of a court-ordered home study or social study, do everything you can to get your evaluation date on their calendar ahead of the other party).

Keep in mind that the greatest danger to your children when you are restructuring your family is CONFLICT. As mentioned before, not merely the open, above-board kind with the yelling and screaming, but also the insidious, passive-aggressive kind with the subtle parent bashing and undermining. While it is important to do everything you can to collaborate and minimize conflict, it is also important to understand what is going on in the system. Sadly, I've seen too many well-meaning parents become the victims of false or exaggerated claims - all because they didn't want to "fight". There is a time to "fight", and there is a time to use the system to help you. Understanding the different elements of that system is an important first step to choosing how and when the battle must be engaged.

Peace.

All About Boundaries, Part 2

We talked before about building new boundaries with the person you used to share everything with. Creating emotional, physical, financial, and legal space between yourself and person you are no longer married to is essential to moving on with your life.

But the difficulty comes in finding ways to create and support boundaries with the person that you still share children with. You still share parenting responsibility with this person, and you will need to learn how to effectively share time and energy with your children in a way that both supports your own boundaries, and respects those of your ex-spouse.

One of the primary ways in which you will engage with your children's other parent is through communication. This is where boundaries come in handy. Two of my clients, whom I'll call "Greg" and "Marge" can illustrate. Greg wants to spend time with the kids every-other Wednesday evening, which the court order allows. Marge doesn't mind if Greg spends that time, but she wants him to take the kids to church. Since Greg is not supportive of Marge's religion, and since the order does not specify whose right it is to select the children's religion, Greg sees no reason why he should give up "his" time by taking the children to church.

So, on the weeks that Greg is supposed to have the kids Wednesday night, Marge arranges for several members of her church to telephone the children, and entice them to attend that week's activity. By the time Greg picks up the kids, they are very excited and eager to go to church. Greg feels that he has been "set up".

If you were Greg, what would you do?

1. Ignore the problem and take the kids the church. You don't want to come off as the 'bad guy'.
2. Find ways to manipulate the children into not wanting to attend church that evening after all, such as enticing them with an activity that is 'more fun'. After all, two can play at that game.
3. Tell the kids 'the truth' - that their mother is conniving to step on top of your parenting time, and you will not put up with it. If necessary, make them feel guilty for choosing 'her' activity over spending time with you.
4. Talk to Marge and request a different parenting night to replace Wednesdays. If she doesn't go along with the idea, then threaten to take her to court and have a judge modify the order to a different night.

All of these alternatives are ways that Greg can protect his boundaries. Unfortunately, all of them come with a host of collateral damage, no matter which one he chooses. Let's look:

If Greg chooses Option #1, he is giving Marge implicit permission to continue to encroach on his parenting time. If she can get away with violating the Wednesday night boundary, then it's only a matter of time before she is scheduling other enticing activities and events during other times that the children are supposed to be with their Dad. Once that ball starts rolling, it's very difficult to get it stopped! Soon, Greg's children will hardly ever see him. What's more, they will also learn that anything and everything else is the world is more important than time with their Dad. Sadly, they will also soon come to believe that their Dad wants it this way, too. While Greg is 'playing the nice guy', the kids are wondering why their Dad doesn't want to see them.

So, what about Option #2? Why not show the kids that they are important, by making it easy for them to choose to be with Greg? Sadly, this option does not maintain boundaries at all. It merely puts the kids in a drivers seat for which they have no license. When they are faced with a tug-o-war with each parent vying for their 'vote', they have been given power for which they are ill-prepared. Best to let the grown-ups make the decisions about where the kids go.

And, Option #3 hardly fares any better. Now the kids are still expected to make a choice, and they are also expected to understand subtleties of human emotions that they cannot comprehend. They don't know why Dad thinks that Mom is bad; they only know he is saying bad things about her. It's never a good idea to help children understand "the truth". They are not equipped to understand, and attempting to inform them only makes Greg look bad. Especially if he adds in the emotional blackmail of making the kids feel guilty for not siding with him.

Then there is Option #4 - a good start it seems, to attempt a compromise. Why not allow Marge to have the kids every Wednesday night - that way, she can take them to church all she wants - and Greg can have the kids on a different night. That way, the kids can spend the same amount of time with him, which is what he wants. Option #4 breaks down if there is an implied or explicit threat attached - go along with this *or else*. But what can Greg do, if he proposes Option #4, and Marge doesn't go along with it?

The thing is, in boundary-setting, Option #4 is merely premature. If Greg sets a boundary regarding the scheduling of activities during his parenting time, then the reality is, Marge may be the one to end up suggesting Option #4 herself. Here's how: if Greg simply states that he will not support any activity which has been scheduled by Marge if it takes place during his parenting time, and if Greg is firm about this boundary, both with Marge, and with the kids, then it will be Marge who is in the "discomfort zone" about the outcome, and who will be looking for possible alternatives. Greg just needs to be patient. And firm.

The important element here is in the communication. And here is where we apply B.I.F.F.

BIFF communication between co-parents is (B)rief, (I)nformative, (F)riendly, and (F)irm. Here is a possible way that Greg can send a BIFF communication to Marge regarding Wednesday evenings:

"Marge, I notice that you are scheduling activities and appointments for the children, to take place during my parenting time. This violates the court order. Please refrain from making any future plans for the children that take place during my parenting time. I will not honor or keep any activity or appointment that you have made if it takes place during my parenting time.
Sincerely, Greg"

Note that Greg does not expound on Marge's manipulative behavior, nor does he attack her character or bring up all of the past incidents where Marge has scheduled activities. He addresses her behavior at face-value. Greg informs Marge that he will not honor the appointments she has made. He is neither unkind nor disrespectful. He is friendly enough to make his explicit request: "Please refrain..." and he is brief and to-the-point.

When Greg picks up the kids on Wednesday, and the kids ask about going to church, all he has to say to them is "I have communicated with your mother on this issue, and when you are with me, we will spend our time together as I see best." Yes, there will be complaining, but overall, the kids will learn three very important things: their parents are communicating; their father has boundaries; and their father is confident in his fitness as a parent. These are three great truths that the children need to know. They don't need to know all of the rest of it, but they do need to know that they (the kids) are not in charge, and that the people who are in charge (the parents) are competent. Period.

When Greg and Marge came to see me on this issue, they were still in the thick of battle. Each was grappling for control, and the kids were being torn apart as a result. Helping them see and learn to honor each other's boundaries was a key for helping the kids stay out of the cross-fire.

Greg and Marge still have a lot of co-parenting issues that come up. But as each issue arises, we go back to the basics: how to create and sustain personal boundaries, and how to honor and respect the boundaries of the other parent. This is the key to successful post-divorce co-parenting.

Peace.

All About Boundaries

One thing divorcing couples almost always underestimate as they approach their divorce is the extent to which they were connected or linked.

When you and/or your spouse first consider divorce, you are most likely focused on the ways that you are different, separate, or have "grown apart". You both usually look at the conflicts, your opposing world views, or your disparate parenting techniques. You may have already taken up with different friends or groups, you are probably already re-entrenching with your respective extended family members, and you may even already be living at separate addresses. It's easy to see distance between you, and to notice ways and reasons to increase that distance.

That's why it often comes as a surprise to discover that you and your spouse have spent your entire marriage connecting, along a lot of threads that you may not initially notice.

The obvious one if you have children: you are connected as co-parents, and, no matter how much you disagree with your ex-spouse's child-rearing approach, you will have to live with it.

Here are some less obvious ways that you and your spouse are connected:

-- you may attend the same church, social clubs, or neighborhood groups
-- you probably rely on each other for emotional support far more than you believe
-- you know each other in the little ways: number of times the snooze button is pressed, how you like your eggs cooked or your coffee prepared, where you squeeze the toothpaste-and there is a certain comfort in knowing and being known
-- you know your spouse's weaknesses... and your spouse knows yours
-- your names appear together on checks, debts, the mortgage, insurance cards, etc.

And here is the point: when what used to be "one" entity is now becoming "two" separate people again, there is a space in between where a new boundary must be created. You may want to unload your emotions on your spouse, but now that would not be very wise. You can no longer assume that it's okay for you to know everything your spouse does, or everyone your spouse sees. You may discover that your spouse has signed privacy paperwork that denies you access to his or her medical records - something you previously took for granted. You cannot assume that joint debts will be paid by the other spouse just because they said they would. You may find yourself waking up and realizing that nobody has started the coffeemaker.

During the course of divorce, whenever either spouse creates a new boundary, it can set off emotions in the other spouse. No matter how much a person wants the divorce, running up against a new boundary will feel like a loss. For example, discovering that the other spouse has started dating may trigger a strong desire to know who they are seeing; and it may feel like "betrayal" or "infidelity", even though the marriage is over. This is more difficult for the spouse that has not progressed as far in the psychological divorce and who may be struggling to move on.

Nevertheless, boundaries are important. The divorce cannot truly be completed (even if there is a legal decree "dissolving" the marriage) until the two former spouses have become two completely separate entities. If there are still debts, property, or other ties, divorce is not truly complete.

When there are children involved, the need for strong boundaries becomes even more important. This is such an important topic, I will address in the next post, All About Boundaries, Part 2.

Peace.

Fun Times Damaging Kids

The following is an example of the behavior that I see all the time in the divorced parents that I teach. I call it "passive-aggressive" because it is a classic example of one person deliberately appearing to play the 'good guy', while setting up the other person to appear as the 'bad guy', no matter what course of action they choose. It is insidious. It goes on all the time "under the radar", thus twice victimizing the participants: once via the behavior itself, and second via the ongoing sense of invalidation and feeling off-balance.

Take a look:

As per most standard orders, the kids are with Mom during the month of June, with the exception of Father's Day weekend. According to the order, Dad picks up the kids from Mom's house at 6:00 p.m, on Friday and returns them at 6:00 p.m. on Sunday.

Except of course, that on the day Dad is to pick up the kids, Mom has set it up to take the kids to the amusement park. The kids are all excited! They get to spend all day playing! The amusement park doesn't close until 11:00 p.m., so the kids won't get back to Mom's house till after midnight. Too late for Dad to get the kids, so they will not see him until Saturday. Oh, except that on Saturday, the kids will be all tired and worn out from their big day at the amusement park, so they will sleep in till late morning. Half the weekend is now gone.

And of course, Mom has the kids so wound up over the entire event that if Dad puts the brakes on it, he comes off as the 'bad guy'. But if he allows the kids to stay with Mom for the extra day, then she sells him off to the kids with "See there? I told you your Dad doesn't care about you. Look how he has abandoned you one more time. He doesn't even want to see you during 'his' time. Some father he is." Note that Mom doesn't have to actually state these exact words, she can convey the message in her tone of voice and in subtle little comments that she drops throughout the day.

Sometimes, the kids are wise enough to see through the manipulation and object to going, because they realize that it will cost them time with Dad. What happens then? Mom gets all
teary-eyed and puts a major guilt trip on the kids for being so unappreciative of her grand fun gesture.

Now, considering that there are 27 other days in June that the Mom could have picked to take the kids to the amusement park, choosing this particular day seems like a deliberate manipulative attempt to keep Dad away from the kids. Again. You see, for the Mom, it's not about how beneficial it would be for the children to have two parents. For the Mom, it's about her withholding "her" property (the kids) from someone she despises. Disguising it as a fun day at the amusement park is a great way to hide her own anger and hatred. And she gets away with it because it is such a perfect set-up on the Dad.

Of course, Mothers are not the only ones who play this game. Fathers do it too. Either parent can use the kids as a method to "get back" at their ex-spouse. Too bad they don't realize it's their kids who pay the price. The kids are the ones that get deprived of the love and support of having two parents in their lives. The kids are the ones that get put in the middle One More Time. The kids are the ones that get to learn at an early age that it's "normal" to lie, connive, manipulate, and get their own way by being passive-aggressive no matter who it hurts. The kids are the ones that live with near-constant instability.

Conventional wisdom says (and data support the idea) that the most significant factor for children of divorce to successfully heal from their wounds is the absence of conflict. This is the caveat I bring today: playing passive-aggressive games with kids in the name of amusement park fun is *not* the absence of conflict. It is still there, it is still real, and it is still damaging. It is the absence of drama, shouting, and arguing, yes. But it is not truly the absence of conflict.

Here is the bitter irony: when parents turn rearing their children in a "Disney-contest", it destroys the kids. The "Disney parent" is often motivated by a deep desire to make the children 'love' them more, and 'love' the other parent less... so that the "Disney parent" can win the prize of being "better" in some unspoken contest. The tragic irony is that this very behavior results in children who resent and often come to hate the "Disney parent". Everyone loses.

If you are co-parenting with an ex-spouse, I urge you to examine more than merely your outward gestures. Look at your motives. I guarantee your kids are picking those up too. They may be too young to use words, but they are not too young to feel feelings. Your greatest gift to them will be to not only control the outward conflicts, but to learn to shield them from the inner ones as well.

Imagine what it could have meant to those kids, if instead of sabotaging Dad with an amusement park day, Mom had gotten the kids excited about seeing their Dad. Suppose she had spent the time helping them shop for Father's Day gifts, and teaching the kids about honoring their Dad. Suppose she had quietly listened while the children talked about how important their Dad is to them. Suppose she had validated their feelings of love and respect, rather than attempting to make them feel the emotions of aggravation and hatred that she felt. The gift she could have given would far outweigh and outlast the few hours of fun at the amusement park.

Peace.

Handling Emotions During Conflict Resolution

This is part of the content of a talk I gave at the North Texas Conflict Resolution Conference today:

The Brain Science of War and Peace (conference theme)

During any conflict, both parties (as well as the mediator or conflict resolver, in many cases) will experience a perceived threat to their boundaries, in the form of a possible physical, financial, or personal loss. For example, the party or parties may believe that their livelihood, home, reputation, role as father or mother, affiliation with family members, church, social clubs, or even their workplace may be jeopardized. The belief that one is in jeopardy will trigger a limbic response -- what we know as the "flight or fight" mechanism.

At that point in time, an older, more primitive part of the brain is in control (the limbic region). A flood of chemicals is discharged along a portion of the brain and body called the "HPA Axis", and results in sensations of shaky voice, tremulous limbs, butterflies in the stomach, racing pulse, and sweating skin. In addition, the pupils dilate, we become attuned to visual stimuli, and our hunger and sex drives are reduced. These are all adaptive responses to fight or flee from peril.

This response happens without awareness and without cognitive or directed control. It happens "without thinking." Indeed, the regret that often takes place after we have cooled from "the heat of the moment", often leads us to buy-in to the popular notion that we can make much more rational and effective decisions, if only we could find a way to suppress or control this limbic response.

Not true. Modern neuroscience supports the idea that humans actually make the best decisions when we are operating from a combination of both the reasoning and rational decision-making in the frontal cortex, as well as the emotion in the amygdala and other limbic brain structures. We need both. So, the question becomes: how can we put that awful irrational, running-like-a-crazy-person-from-the-saber-toothed-tiger energy to work for us, rather than either being ruled by it, or being forced to inhibit it?

Here is what I teach:

Acknowledge it -- take note of the behaviors and overall situational cues. "You seem agitated". "I'm really wound up right now". "I can see that you are fidgety". "I can feel my heart pounding". These are all neutral statements that we can make that can lead us to a better awareness of our own state, as well as allowing others to become aware of theirs.

Name it -- give yourself or the person to whom you are interacting permission to name a feeling. Researchers have found that merely giving the emotion a label - no matter what label is used - creates additional activity in the frontal cortex. In other words, the mere act of labeling the feeling restores a bridge between the rational cognitive control centers of the brain and the emotional centers of the brain.

Use it -- now that both the thinking/processing center and the feeling center of the brain are engaged, it's time to dig under that feeling and work toward a solution - a conflict outcome that can be more positive for both parties. Open-ended questions such as "what might happen if...", or "how could we make that work...", or "what would it take for this..." are valuable tools at this point.

Diffuse it -- once the emotion has been acknowledged, named, and used, it's time to settle all that autonomic system response back down. Nobody wants to go around with their hearts racing and their palms all sweaty and a big icky lead ball in their stomach. The limbic response has served its purpose and it's time for it to go. Slowed breathing, visualizing a peaceful setting, or deliberately putting the face in a calm or happy expression can send afferent sensations to the brain to make the brain release the chemicals to turn off the fight/flight response.

In sum, the limbic or fight/flight response is a valuable condition that has evolved with our brains. It keeps us alive. It gives us valuable signals of threat or peril, as well as redirecting our body's energy to respond to those signals. It is maladaptive to try to ignore this. It is useful to acknowledge it, name it, use it, and then diffuse it. This is what we were created to be able to do.

Peace.

Am I Going Crazy??

For many divorcing people, the emotional swirl can be overwhelming. There are several key emotions that tend to surface during divorce, and these can all have direct and hidden impact on the choices people make and the way they behave.

For example, there is guilt. Many people experience guilt during divorce. Guilt for things they did that promoted the end of the marriage; guilt for choosing to end the marriage; guilt that parents, friends, children, and even the ex-spouse can impose; and guilt for not "being enough" for everyone that needs more.

This guilt can drive a person to make decisions in the divorce that are unreasonable, irrational, and often, regrettable.

Guilt over an affair, for example can cause a man to agree to a property settlement that is unfair and unreasonable. Later, after the man has resolved (or buried) his guilt, he feels "buyer's remorse" for giving up so many of his assets. Since it is now too late to reclaim them, he often positions himself as a "victim" of the divorce system, and expresses anger toward his ex-wife, who seems to be enjoying her life of luxury at his expense.

Along with guilt, there is pain/sadness at the grief that comes with the "death" of the marriage. There is fear/anxiety that comes with such profound change in the family structure and not being able to predict the outcome or know the future. And there is the grandest emotion of them all: Anger. Because anger is easy to see, easy to identify, and easy to express, it often serves as a cover emotion for the others. Unfortunately, most divorcing people stay in the anger, and never dig underneath it to address the true emotions - the guilt, sadness, and fear - that are influencing the outcome of their divorce.

The swirl of emotions, unplanned and unacknowledged, can often drive folks to do things they would never do otherwise. It can influence choices they would never otherwise make. It can cause a person wonder if they are going crazy (and, unfortunately, the ex-spouse and probably many others outside of the situation would confirm that in fact, the divorcing person is crazy).

However, this "craziness" is situational. There is a lot a person can learn from their so-called "negative" emotions, if only they will listen. And this is where a coach comes in. Many people never know how to listen to themselves or to what their emotions are telling them, until a coach teaches them how. A coach does not inform or enlighten the divorcing person. A coach does not counsel or diagnose a person. A coach teaches a person how to stop and listen to their own emotions, and then learn from what the emotion is telling them.

For example, a woman couldn't understand why she still responded to her ex-husband's put-downs and verbal abuse. "I know better", she would say. "I often feel so good about myself when I am at my job, or when I accomplish something. So, why is it that he still has the power to make me feel small?" After we listened to what her emotions were telling her, she discovered that the emotion she was responding to was fear. She feared that she would never be attractive to another man again. She feared that she was doomed to a life of loneliness. The mental recording that her husband had implanted said "you're no good", and her fear was "what if he's right?" After we faced her fear head-on, she was able to counter it with some tools she had learned in a powerful training class... and from then on she never responded again to her ex-husband's abuse.

Emotional turmoil is an inherent part of the divorce journey. It is empowering to acknowledge its existence. It's enlightening to use those emotions to your advantage and restore yourself to serenity.

Peace.

Take Care of Yourself, First

When I spend time coaching my divorcing clients, I find that one of the most common characteristics they share is their inability to see the wisdom of taking care of their own needs, first.

So many times in life, we tend to take care of others, instead of ourselves. It's any easy trap to fall into, and we are certainly socialized to abhor "selfishness" in all its manifestations.

But taking care of yourself is the most self-LESS thing you can do. Why? Because you cannot take care of others if you are not taking care of yourself first. The problem is that even when we realize this, we can still lapse into a place in life where we don't implement it.

This recently happened to me. I was caught up in the minutiae of everyday life, I was under some high-pressure deadlines, and I was anticipating some additional needs of people who are close to me -- family members, friends, and some of my clients who are presently at a high-intensity place in the divorce stream. I realized my "battery was running low" when day after day after day I found myself feeling exhausted and put-upon whenever anyone needed me.

That's a big clue for me to take a breather. So, I did.

I went to Santa Fe for the weekend; "camped" in a lovely little cabin at the Rancheros campground - the windows faced east, and I awoke every morning with the sun coming over the Sangre de Cristo mountains. I saw some amazing art works, re-visited the beautiful old missions
and chapels (including the oldest church in the United States), hiked some gorgeous mountain trails, laid outside and gazed at a stunning star-filled sky, and drove out to Bandelier National Monument. It was peaceful, restful, restorative, and a wonderful start to the upcoming challenges I will be seeing as a new Grandma, ("Mee-maw"), a returning researcher, teacher, presenter, and on-line coach.

When you start to feel the serenity slipping away from you, take a break. Maybe you can't get all the way away to some place like Santa Fe; so take a mental vacation to somewhere that restores your heart and spirit. Take care of YOU first. Then, you can take care of others.

Peace.

Monsters in the Closet...

... and under the bed, and lurking around every corner.

Some days, it's not so easy being a Divorce Coach. Some days, there are attorneys who feel that their livelihood is threatened, and they want to challenge me and what I do. While I am super-careful about never practicing law without a license, I know that there are plenty of attorneys out there who are watching for the tiniest misstep.

Some days, there are angry ex-spouses whose former spouse was a client of mine -- and I get the blame from that ex-spouse for whatever has currently gone wrong in their lives. "I can't pay my bills, and it's all because YOU helped my ex-wife get a bigger settlement!" And far too often, such declarations are followed up with some other sort of "reciprocal" damage or harm.

Some days, I don't even know who it is with some kind of bug up their craw... someone wants to claim that I am doing counseling (I'm not, and I never claim to), someone wants to claim that I'm not qualified (there is no credentialing body for what I do - if someone wants my help, they can pay me, period), someone wants to accuse me of spending too much time doing one thing when they think I should have spent the time doing something else instead.

It can wear a person out.

It can make me wish for those dull days as an engineer, when I had no passion or heart.

It can make me want to just give up, say "to heck with it all" -- let all those divorcing couples just have at it and keep right on doing divorce the old-fashioned way.

This was one of those days. Yuck.

But tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow, the attorneys will still be there, the naysayers will still be there, the angry ex-spouses will still be there, the attackers will still be there. However, so will the children. They will still be there, too. They will be there feeling lost and frightened and anxious because their mommies and their daddies are yelling again. They will feel lonely and sad because Daddy will be gone and Mommy will be telling them that Daddy is gone forever and they will never see him again. They will feel terrified when police or other strangers show up and ask them questions. They will feel helpless when they see Mommy cry, and they will feel guilty when they go to Daddy's new house and have a good time. They will believe with all their hearts and minds that the divorce was all their fault, and that if they could just figure out that *one* thing to do, they could get their mommy and daddy back together and their lives would return to normal.

And, because of that - because of the innocent, precious children, and what they experience, and what they feel - I will continue tomorrow. Even after days like today. It's my calling.

Peace.

For the Sake of the Children

Nobody wants to hurt their kids. I firmly believe that. Even before, during, and after divorce, most parents are more concerned about their kids than anything else.

Look at how many people stay in rotten marriages "for the sake of the kids". Look at how many people try to hide the problems during divorce "to protect the kids". Look at how many endure (or avoid) post-divorce difficulty because "the kids have already suffered enough".

What most of us don't realize until way too late, is that we are constantly sending unspoken messages to our children. And the things that they learn from us implicitly, without us even being aware of it, often cause far more damage than we ever intended.

For example, I went through a period in my life where I was working very hard. When difficult things happened, I "sucked it up" and shielded my kids from the problems. I believed I was protecting my kids, and providing for them -- both very honorable intentions, right? But after-the-fact, I discovered that what my kids had learned from me during that period were some awful habits:

* Grown-ups should not ask for help when they are in a tight spot.
* Our mother cares more about her work than she does about us.
* When work causes Mom to stress out, it's okay to come home and take it out on us.
* It's better to shut down emotions and feel nothing at all than to handle pain or hurt.
* Mom's emotions are our responsibility - if she snaps at us, it's our fault, not hers.
* Being a grown-up and having to work really sucks and we don't want to have to do it.

Ouch!

Kids also learn some intended lessons when parents perpetuate ugliness before, during, and after a divorce. If parents cannot manage their emotions, control their expressions of anger and hate toward the ex-spouse, or learn to let go and move on, they teach their kids some terribly damaging habits. They harm their kids in unspeakable ways, and the damage goes deep, and stays with them long into adulthood.

For the sake of the children, put yourself in their shoes. Truly set your own "stuff" aside and listen with your heart. Do not get defensive if they say something that indicts you. Be glad to have a better understanding of ways that you can change your behavior and do something healthier instead.

For the sake of the children, take your divorce pain and anger and guilt and fear to someone who can help you deal with it; rather than bringing it home for your children to absorb.

For the sake of the children, show them the path to peace by having the courage to walk on that path yourself, even if it means facing your own demons, owning up to your accountability, or sacrificing the personal payoffs you receive for being a victim, a martyr, or a warrior.

For the sake of the children, do something different than what you are doing now, if what you are doing now isn't working. Keep doing something different, until you find something that works.

Peace.

The Hidden Costs of Conflict

Everyone understands almost instinctively that whenever there is conflict, the outcome produces at least one "winner" and at least one "loser". In the vast majority of divorces, both the ex-husband and the ex-wife often feel as though they were the "loser", when all is said and done. Each party ends up believing that they got the poorer part of the deal.

If that is so, then just who, exactly, won? And what did they "win"?

There are some interesting answers to that question, and we'll talk about some of them in a second. Meanwhile, it's important to point out there is usually far more "lost" in a conflict than most people realize.

If you recall your most recent conflict (which is more difficult than it sounds, because of the way conflict and memories are stored in our brains), you can probably assess the most obvious losses. You probably lost some time by fighting the fight. You probably used some mental, emotional, and physical energy while fighting the fight. These are losses that we don't usually think too hard about, other than to agree that we would have rather spent that time and energy doing something more pleasant instead.

You can probably assess the most obvious damage, too. Maybe you had to pay money to someone. Perhaps you suffered physical or emotional wounds. Your conflict might have resulted in damage to property, relationships, or your reputation. And, more serious, you may have lost your job, your home, your family, your lifestyle, or your peace of mind.

Some of the things you "gained" from the conflict might keep costing you in the future. It may be that you have "gained" an enemy, from whom you now have to take extra steps to protect yourself. You probably "gained" resentment toward the other person in the conflict, which you must now carry as a burden until you take actives steps to resolve and dismiss it. You might have "gained" a smear on your reputation; a court order requiring you to pay money to someone else for a long period of time; or a load of embarrassment or shame associated with the conflict behavior.

Then there is the collateral damage. There are often innocent bystanders when a conflict takes place. The children in a nasty (actually, *any*) divorce. The neighbors, friends, and family members who find themselves drawn in to the conflict against their will. School personnel who must take extra steps to comply with court orders. Colleagues who must compensate for your poor work, or for the days when you cannot come to work. When you start to truly look hard at it, the list goes on and on.

Finally, there are the long-term fall-out costs that everyone bears. Think through how many actions you take in a day that are regulated in one way or another. You probably are not even aware of the amount of energy that is expended complying with laws, regulations, and statutes whose very existence traces back to someone else's previous conflict. Here is a simple example: Warning labels. You see warning labels on products everywhere. A lot of them are so obvious you find yourself laughing at them. Yet every warning label you see costs money, exists solely for the purpose of protecting that company against a future conflict, and is based on a previous conflict that cost that company money in the past. You and I pay long term in the price of goods and services, the time it takes to cut through 'red tape', and the energy expended to remain abreast of ever-changing regulations.

Once you start to assess where all the costs come from, it gets a little easier to guess who benefits from conflict, doesn't it? Just keep on following the money and see where it goes. The average contested divorce in America starts at $5,000 (average retainer fee of $2,500 to initiate the divorce, times the two parties who each hire an attorney) and goes up from there. Not counting the high-profile celebrity divorces -- examining only divorces from working-class and middle-class families -- the average contested divorce in America costs $43,000. And that's just to get to a final decree; that doesn't count the motions to modify that continue to pour in for years after the divorce has been granted. Recall that half of all marriages end in divorce, and do some rough math, and you can see that divorce is big business for attorneys! They have a H-U-G-E stake in stirring up the fight.

But -- this is your power: those costs are all under your control. Every single one of those costs cannot exist unless you make the choice to fight. Yes, it's true that there is still the other party, and yes, your spouse may be the one to initiate the divorce and you cannot do anything about that. But you can do something about how you will handle it. That's the sort of guidance that a Divorce Consultant can give you. And that is why I am here.

Peace.

More Than Just a Legal Event

Divorce is often considered in terms of its legal nature. A divorce process seems to be both initiated by a legal event -- the filing of a petition in a court of law; and terminated by a legal event -- the order handed down by a family court judge.

What most people don't realize, even when they are in the middle of a divorce, is that there are actually four elements -- or dimensions -- of divorce, the legal element is only one.

The others are: the Family/Social component, the Emotional component, and the Financial component. Each of these components influences the others, and each makes a very large impact on the legal component as well.

In future blogs, I'll post a little more detail, as well as some helpful links, for each of these components. For right now, let me just use a few real-life illustrations that will help you see how they interact.

** A woman files for divorce, and seeks the advice of an attorney. The attorney tells her that if she will file a temporary restraining order (TRO) along with the original petition, then she will increase her chances of being able to keep the house. The woman wants to keep the house, so she follows her attorney's advice. Here are the emotions in-play at this point:

-- for the wife: fear/anxiety that she may end up homeless if she doesn't fight for her house.
-- for the husband: anger that he is being painted as 'the bad guy' by the court.

Both of these sets of emotions will turn the divorce into an uglier spectacle than it previously was, and both parties will likely squander more resources (money, energy) in the future because of these emotions.

** A man files for divorce, and seeks the advice of an attorney. The attorney tells him that if he wants to protect his assets, he should hide them prior to filing the original petition. The man does not want to split his hard-earned money with the woman he plans to divorce, so he follows his attorney's advice. Here are the emotions in-play at this point:

-- for the husband: fear/anxiety that he may be unable to provide for himself and children.
-- for the wife: anger that she is helpless to alter the situation.

Both of these sets of emotions will decrease trust between the parties, and will likely cause them to spend far more money on the divorce apparatus (discovery, interrogatories, accountants, etc.) because of these emotions.

And, in closing... a little bit of simple math. Divorce is an emotional tsunami -- a tidal wave of feelings and impressions and events that cause more feelings and impressions that goes on and on and keeps coming at you over and over and over. And most divorcing people just want it to stop. One way to make it stop (eventually) is to take every problem, every event, every impression, every suspicion, every emotion, to your attorney. An attorney will listen to it all, bill you $350 an hour (or more) for that.... and then perform whatever next-step legal function they can to keep the stream of $350/hour coming. It will stop when you run out of money (maybe). Another way to make it stop (sooner) is to take your emotional difficulties to someone who is trained to handle emotions. A divorce coach or counselor will listen to it all, bill you about $100-$150 and hour for that... and then help you find ways to settle your divorce quickly, minimizing the number of hours you'll pay an attorney, so that you and your ex-spouse can move on with your lives. When you break it down like that, the math is quite simple, isn't it?

Peace.

A Radical Idea

Divorce has become extremely common. When fully half of all marriages end in divorce, and have done so for over a generation, it is very likely that everyone has been impacted by divorce in some way, or at least knows someone who has been through a divorce. It is also very likely that everyone has heard or experienced the "war stories" associated with divorce - the man who lost his children, the woman who was financially devastated... and probably everyone has seen that shell-shocked look in the eyes of the divorcing or recently-divorced. In a nutshell, "putting asunder" what had previously been "joined together" is a wrenching process.

In the past fifteen years or so, a radical new approach has been gaining ground. Pioneered by Stu Webb in Minnesota, and popularized in California by Pauline Tesler and Peggy Thompson, the collaborative procedure to divorce presents a true paradigm shift in the philosophy and attitude toward divorce. Changing this attitude provides many benefits, the most obvious of which is that it saves both time and money in the divorce. Studies over the long-term show that collaborative divorces cost significantly less money, and get finalized in court far more quickly. For a divorcing couple that wants to move on with their lives, without the wreckage of a knock-down, drag-out fight littering their landscape, collaborative divorce is a viable alternative.

Collaborative divorce is characterized by several key features: first and foremost, it recognizes that a large number of divorcing couples do *not* want to fight, and would avoid it if they knew how. Many couples instinctively realize that a "divorce war" will harm their children; some also realize that it will harm them, and reduce their chances of post-divorce recovery. So many of the good people that I've introduced to the idea of collaborative divorce respond with reactions along the lines of "you can do that?", or "that's legal?", or "but will we really be divorced?". The adversarial divorce is so entrenched in our society, that even when people would like a different way, they are unaware that one does exist.

Second, collaborative divorce takes a team approach. This means that everyone involved in helping a couple craft their post-marriage family structure agrees to participate in a good faith effort to the full extent of their knowledge, information, passion, and expertise. Adversarial techniques such as discovery are not needed, as the entire process is transparent to both parties, and to the experts involved. And experts are only involved on an as-needed basis, thus reducing the costs typically associated with an adversarial divorce. The overall outcome is that the right people are helping a family get through a most difficult time, with as little harm as possible.

Finally, the strength of collaborative divorce hinges on the idea that if either party decides to stop the collaborative process and litigate, then the entire team - attorneys, financial experts, mental health experts, everyone - is dissolved; and the parties must start over from scratch. This is a pretty large incentive for couples to stay with the collaborative process, even when things get difficult. And, it acknowledges that even in the face of the most positive approach, things will get difficult.

There are many benefits to a family for taking the collaborative approach. What I've observed, and heard in feedback from my clients, is that they appreciate the ability to remain in control of their divorce, all the way through, and to the final outcome. Each family is unique. There simply is no way that the state family code can craft a one-size-fits-all divorce that truly fits all families. Even with some of the different configurations available in the statute (such as making a different parenting schedule for parents who live long distances from one another), it still cannot be made to fit every individual family that is attempting to structure their post-divorce life. However, in an adversarial divorce, the judge's hands are tied by these statutes, and there is very little room to rule according to the particular needs of YOUR family. In collaborative divorce, you stay in control of the process, and of the outcome. Not the attorneys. Not the judge. YOU.

One other benefit that seems worth mentioning: in an adversarial divorce, the accusations get crazy and the dirty laundry gets aired in public. Along with the inherent shame of a "failed marriage" (which is bogus, but that's another blog post for another day), there is additional public humiliation heaped upon both parties as they vie for a "winning position" in divorce court. Ouch. Collaborative divorce keeps your private life private.

Collaborative divorce is different in different states. It is more advanced in some states, such as Minnesota and California. It is just taking root in some states, such as Texas. It is a notion practiced but not formally sanctioned by statute in many other states. In some cases, it looks a lot like mediation, and in many ways it is a lot like mediation.

It's a radically new and fresh way to get a divorce. It's a godsend for people who want to peaceably re-structure their families, and move on with their post-divorce lives; with their dignity, their hearts, their finances, and most importantly, their spirits intact. It is my preferred way to divorce, and the first option that I offer every client who comes through my door. If you are considering divorce, even if you or your spouse has already filed for divorce, give collaborative divorce your careful consideration. You may be glad that you did.

Peace.