Am I Going Crazy??

For many divorcing people, the emotional swirl can be overwhelming. There are several key emotions that tend to surface during divorce, and these can all have direct and hidden impact on the choices people make and the way they behave.

For example, there is guilt. Many people experience guilt during divorce. Guilt for things they did that promoted the end of the marriage; guilt for choosing to end the marriage; guilt that parents, friends, children, and even the ex-spouse can impose; and guilt for not "being enough" for everyone that needs more.

This guilt can drive a person to make decisions in the divorce that are unreasonable, irrational, and often, regrettable.

Guilt over an affair, for example can cause a man to agree to a property settlement that is unfair and unreasonable. Later, after the man has resolved (or buried) his guilt, he feels "buyer's remorse" for giving up so many of his assets. Since it is now too late to reclaim them, he often positions himself as a "victim" of the divorce system, and expresses anger toward his ex-wife, who seems to be enjoying her life of luxury at his expense.

Along with guilt, there is pain/sadness at the grief that comes with the "death" of the marriage. There is fear/anxiety that comes with such profound change in the family structure and not being able to predict the outcome or know the future. And there is the grandest emotion of them all: Anger. Because anger is easy to see, easy to identify, and easy to express, it often serves as a cover emotion for the others. Unfortunately, most divorcing people stay in the anger, and never dig underneath it to address the true emotions - the guilt, sadness, and fear - that are influencing the outcome of their divorce.

The swirl of emotions, unplanned and unacknowledged, can often drive folks to do things they would never do otherwise. It can influence choices they would never otherwise make. It can cause a person wonder if they are going crazy (and, unfortunately, the ex-spouse and probably many others outside of the situation would confirm that in fact, the divorcing person is crazy).

However, this "craziness" is situational. There is a lot a person can learn from their so-called "negative" emotions, if only they will listen. And this is where a coach comes in. Many people never know how to listen to themselves or to what their emotions are telling them, until a coach teaches them how. A coach does not inform or enlighten the divorcing person. A coach does not counsel or diagnose a person. A coach teaches a person how to stop and listen to their own emotions, and then learn from what the emotion is telling them.

For example, a woman couldn't understand why she still responded to her ex-husband's put-downs and verbal abuse. "I know better", she would say. "I often feel so good about myself when I am at my job, or when I accomplish something. So, why is it that he still has the power to make me feel small?" After we listened to what her emotions were telling her, she discovered that the emotion she was responding to was fear. She feared that she would never be attractive to another man again. She feared that she was doomed to a life of loneliness. The mental recording that her husband had implanted said "you're no good", and her fear was "what if he's right?" After we faced her fear head-on, she was able to counter it with some tools she had learned in a powerful training class... and from then on she never responded again to her ex-husband's abuse.

Emotional turmoil is an inherent part of the divorce journey. It is empowering to acknowledge its existence. It's enlightening to use those emotions to your advantage and restore yourself to serenity.

Peace.

Take Care of Yourself, First

When I spend time coaching my divorcing clients, I find that one of the most common characteristics they share is their inability to see the wisdom of taking care of their own needs, first.

So many times in life, we tend to take care of others, instead of ourselves. It's any easy trap to fall into, and we are certainly socialized to abhor "selfishness" in all its manifestations.

But taking care of yourself is the most self-LESS thing you can do. Why? Because you cannot take care of others if you are not taking care of yourself first. The problem is that even when we realize this, we can still lapse into a place in life where we don't implement it.

This recently happened to me. I was caught up in the minutiae of everyday life, I was under some high-pressure deadlines, and I was anticipating some additional needs of people who are close to me -- family members, friends, and some of my clients who are presently at a high-intensity place in the divorce stream. I realized my "battery was running low" when day after day after day I found myself feeling exhausted and put-upon whenever anyone needed me.

That's a big clue for me to take a breather. So, I did.

I went to Santa Fe for the weekend; "camped" in a lovely little cabin at the Rancheros campground - the windows faced east, and I awoke every morning with the sun coming over the Sangre de Cristo mountains. I saw some amazing art works, re-visited the beautiful old missions
and chapels (including the oldest church in the United States), hiked some gorgeous mountain trails, laid outside and gazed at a stunning star-filled sky, and drove out to Bandelier National Monument. It was peaceful, restful, restorative, and a wonderful start to the upcoming challenges I will be seeing as a new Grandma, ("Mee-maw"), a returning researcher, teacher, presenter, and on-line coach.

When you start to feel the serenity slipping away from you, take a break. Maybe you can't get all the way away to some place like Santa Fe; so take a mental vacation to somewhere that restores your heart and spirit. Take care of YOU first. Then, you can take care of others.

Peace.

Monsters in the Closet...

... and under the bed, and lurking around every corner.

Some days, it's not so easy being a Divorce Coach. Some days, there are attorneys who feel that their livelihood is threatened, and they want to challenge me and what I do. While I am super-careful about never practicing law without a license, I know that there are plenty of attorneys out there who are watching for the tiniest misstep.

Some days, there are angry ex-spouses whose former spouse was a client of mine -- and I get the blame from that ex-spouse for whatever has currently gone wrong in their lives. "I can't pay my bills, and it's all because YOU helped my ex-wife get a bigger settlement!" And far too often, such declarations are followed up with some other sort of "reciprocal" damage or harm.

Some days, I don't even know who it is with some kind of bug up their craw... someone wants to claim that I am doing counseling (I'm not, and I never claim to), someone wants to claim that I'm not qualified (there is no credentialing body for what I do - if someone wants my help, they can pay me, period), someone wants to accuse me of spending too much time doing one thing when they think I should have spent the time doing something else instead.

It can wear a person out.

It can make me wish for those dull days as an engineer, when I had no passion or heart.

It can make me want to just give up, say "to heck with it all" -- let all those divorcing couples just have at it and keep right on doing divorce the old-fashioned way.

This was one of those days. Yuck.

But tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow, the attorneys will still be there, the naysayers will still be there, the angry ex-spouses will still be there, the attackers will still be there. However, so will the children. They will still be there, too. They will be there feeling lost and frightened and anxious because their mommies and their daddies are yelling again. They will feel lonely and sad because Daddy will be gone and Mommy will be telling them that Daddy is gone forever and they will never see him again. They will feel terrified when police or other strangers show up and ask them questions. They will feel helpless when they see Mommy cry, and they will feel guilty when they go to Daddy's new house and have a good time. They will believe with all their hearts and minds that the divorce was all their fault, and that if they could just figure out that *one* thing to do, they could get their mommy and daddy back together and their lives would return to normal.

And, because of that - because of the innocent, precious children, and what they experience, and what they feel - I will continue tomorrow. Even after days like today. It's my calling.

Peace.

For the Sake of the Children

Nobody wants to hurt their kids. I firmly believe that. Even before, during, and after divorce, most parents are more concerned about their kids than anything else.

Look at how many people stay in rotten marriages "for the sake of the kids". Look at how many people try to hide the problems during divorce "to protect the kids". Look at how many endure (or avoid) post-divorce difficulty because "the kids have already suffered enough".

What most of us don't realize until way too late, is that we are constantly sending unspoken messages to our children. And the things that they learn from us implicitly, without us even being aware of it, often cause far more damage than we ever intended.

For example, I went through a period in my life where I was working very hard. When difficult things happened, I "sucked it up" and shielded my kids from the problems. I believed I was protecting my kids, and providing for them -- both very honorable intentions, right? But after-the-fact, I discovered that what my kids had learned from me during that period were some awful habits:

* Grown-ups should not ask for help when they are in a tight spot.
* Our mother cares more about her work than she does about us.
* When work causes Mom to stress out, it's okay to come home and take it out on us.
* It's better to shut down emotions and feel nothing at all than to handle pain or hurt.
* Mom's emotions are our responsibility - if she snaps at us, it's our fault, not hers.
* Being a grown-up and having to work really sucks and we don't want to have to do it.

Ouch!

Kids also learn some intended lessons when parents perpetuate ugliness before, during, and after a divorce. If parents cannot manage their emotions, control their expressions of anger and hate toward the ex-spouse, or learn to let go and move on, they teach their kids some terribly damaging habits. They harm their kids in unspeakable ways, and the damage goes deep, and stays with them long into adulthood.

For the sake of the children, put yourself in their shoes. Truly set your own "stuff" aside and listen with your heart. Do not get defensive if they say something that indicts you. Be glad to have a better understanding of ways that you can change your behavior and do something healthier instead.

For the sake of the children, take your divorce pain and anger and guilt and fear to someone who can help you deal with it; rather than bringing it home for your children to absorb.

For the sake of the children, show them the path to peace by having the courage to walk on that path yourself, even if it means facing your own demons, owning up to your accountability, or sacrificing the personal payoffs you receive for being a victim, a martyr, or a warrior.

For the sake of the children, do something different than what you are doing now, if what you are doing now isn't working. Keep doing something different, until you find something that works.

Peace.

The Hidden Costs of Conflict

Everyone understands almost instinctively that whenever there is conflict, the outcome produces at least one "winner" and at least one "loser". In the vast majority of divorces, both the ex-husband and the ex-wife often feel as though they were the "loser", when all is said and done. Each party ends up believing that they got the poorer part of the deal.

If that is so, then just who, exactly, won? And what did they "win"?

There are some interesting answers to that question, and we'll talk about some of them in a second. Meanwhile, it's important to point out there is usually far more "lost" in a conflict than most people realize.

If you recall your most recent conflict (which is more difficult than it sounds, because of the way conflict and memories are stored in our brains), you can probably assess the most obvious losses. You probably lost some time by fighting the fight. You probably used some mental, emotional, and physical energy while fighting the fight. These are losses that we don't usually think too hard about, other than to agree that we would have rather spent that time and energy doing something more pleasant instead.

You can probably assess the most obvious damage, too. Maybe you had to pay money to someone. Perhaps you suffered physical or emotional wounds. Your conflict might have resulted in damage to property, relationships, or your reputation. And, more serious, you may have lost your job, your home, your family, your lifestyle, or your peace of mind.

Some of the things you "gained" from the conflict might keep costing you in the future. It may be that you have "gained" an enemy, from whom you now have to take extra steps to protect yourself. You probably "gained" resentment toward the other person in the conflict, which you must now carry as a burden until you take actives steps to resolve and dismiss it. You might have "gained" a smear on your reputation; a court order requiring you to pay money to someone else for a long period of time; or a load of embarrassment or shame associated with the conflict behavior.

Then there is the collateral damage. There are often innocent bystanders when a conflict takes place. The children in a nasty (actually, *any*) divorce. The neighbors, friends, and family members who find themselves drawn in to the conflict against their will. School personnel who must take extra steps to comply with court orders. Colleagues who must compensate for your poor work, or for the days when you cannot come to work. When you start to truly look hard at it, the list goes on and on.

Finally, there are the long-term fall-out costs that everyone bears. Think through how many actions you take in a day that are regulated in one way or another. You probably are not even aware of the amount of energy that is expended complying with laws, regulations, and statutes whose very existence traces back to someone else's previous conflict. Here is a simple example: Warning labels. You see warning labels on products everywhere. A lot of them are so obvious you find yourself laughing at them. Yet every warning label you see costs money, exists solely for the purpose of protecting that company against a future conflict, and is based on a previous conflict that cost that company money in the past. You and I pay long term in the price of goods and services, the time it takes to cut through 'red tape', and the energy expended to remain abreast of ever-changing regulations.

Once you start to assess where all the costs come from, it gets a little easier to guess who benefits from conflict, doesn't it? Just keep on following the money and see where it goes. The average contested divorce in America starts at $5,000 (average retainer fee of $2,500 to initiate the divorce, times the two parties who each hire an attorney) and goes up from there. Not counting the high-profile celebrity divorces -- examining only divorces from working-class and middle-class families -- the average contested divorce in America costs $43,000. And that's just to get to a final decree; that doesn't count the motions to modify that continue to pour in for years after the divorce has been granted. Recall that half of all marriages end in divorce, and do some rough math, and you can see that divorce is big business for attorneys! They have a H-U-G-E stake in stirring up the fight.

But -- this is your power: those costs are all under your control. Every single one of those costs cannot exist unless you make the choice to fight. Yes, it's true that there is still the other party, and yes, your spouse may be the one to initiate the divorce and you cannot do anything about that. But you can do something about how you will handle it. That's the sort of guidance that a Divorce Consultant can give you. And that is why I am here.

Peace.

More Than Just a Legal Event

Divorce is often considered in terms of its legal nature. A divorce process seems to be both initiated by a legal event -- the filing of a petition in a court of law; and terminated by a legal event -- the order handed down by a family court judge.

What most people don't realize, even when they are in the middle of a divorce, is that there are actually four elements -- or dimensions -- of divorce, the legal element is only one.

The others are: the Family/Social component, the Emotional component, and the Financial component. Each of these components influences the others, and each makes a very large impact on the legal component as well.

In future blogs, I'll post a little more detail, as well as some helpful links, for each of these components. For right now, let me just use a few real-life illustrations that will help you see how they interact.

** A woman files for divorce, and seeks the advice of an attorney. The attorney tells her that if she will file a temporary restraining order (TRO) along with the original petition, then she will increase her chances of being able to keep the house. The woman wants to keep the house, so she follows her attorney's advice. Here are the emotions in-play at this point:

-- for the wife: fear/anxiety that she may end up homeless if she doesn't fight for her house.
-- for the husband: anger that he is being painted as 'the bad guy' by the court.

Both of these sets of emotions will turn the divorce into an uglier spectacle than it previously was, and both parties will likely squander more resources (money, energy) in the future because of these emotions.

** A man files for divorce, and seeks the advice of an attorney. The attorney tells him that if he wants to protect his assets, he should hide them prior to filing the original petition. The man does not want to split his hard-earned money with the woman he plans to divorce, so he follows his attorney's advice. Here are the emotions in-play at this point:

-- for the husband: fear/anxiety that he may be unable to provide for himself and children.
-- for the wife: anger that she is helpless to alter the situation.

Both of these sets of emotions will decrease trust between the parties, and will likely cause them to spend far more money on the divorce apparatus (discovery, interrogatories, accountants, etc.) because of these emotions.

And, in closing... a little bit of simple math. Divorce is an emotional tsunami -- a tidal wave of feelings and impressions and events that cause more feelings and impressions that goes on and on and keeps coming at you over and over and over. And most divorcing people just want it to stop. One way to make it stop (eventually) is to take every problem, every event, every impression, every suspicion, every emotion, to your attorney. An attorney will listen to it all, bill you $350 an hour (or more) for that.... and then perform whatever next-step legal function they can to keep the stream of $350/hour coming. It will stop when you run out of money (maybe). Another way to make it stop (sooner) is to take your emotional difficulties to someone who is trained to handle emotions. A divorce coach or counselor will listen to it all, bill you about $100-$150 and hour for that... and then help you find ways to settle your divorce quickly, minimizing the number of hours you'll pay an attorney, so that you and your ex-spouse can move on with your lives. When you break it down like that, the math is quite simple, isn't it?

Peace.

A Radical Idea

Divorce has become extremely common. When fully half of all marriages end in divorce, and have done so for over a generation, it is very likely that everyone has been impacted by divorce in some way, or at least knows someone who has been through a divorce. It is also very likely that everyone has heard or experienced the "war stories" associated with divorce - the man who lost his children, the woman who was financially devastated... and probably everyone has seen that shell-shocked look in the eyes of the divorcing or recently-divorced. In a nutshell, "putting asunder" what had previously been "joined together" is a wrenching process.

In the past fifteen years or so, a radical new approach has been gaining ground. Pioneered by Stu Webb in Minnesota, and popularized in California by Pauline Tesler and Peggy Thompson, the collaborative procedure to divorce presents a true paradigm shift in the philosophy and attitude toward divorce. Changing this attitude provides many benefits, the most obvious of which is that it saves both time and money in the divorce. Studies over the long-term show that collaborative divorces cost significantly less money, and get finalized in court far more quickly. For a divorcing couple that wants to move on with their lives, without the wreckage of a knock-down, drag-out fight littering their landscape, collaborative divorce is a viable alternative.

Collaborative divorce is characterized by several key features: first and foremost, it recognizes that a large number of divorcing couples do *not* want to fight, and would avoid it if they knew how. Many couples instinctively realize that a "divorce war" will harm their children; some also realize that it will harm them, and reduce their chances of post-divorce recovery. So many of the good people that I've introduced to the idea of collaborative divorce respond with reactions along the lines of "you can do that?", or "that's legal?", or "but will we really be divorced?". The adversarial divorce is so entrenched in our society, that even when people would like a different way, they are unaware that one does exist.

Second, collaborative divorce takes a team approach. This means that everyone involved in helping a couple craft their post-marriage family structure agrees to participate in a good faith effort to the full extent of their knowledge, information, passion, and expertise. Adversarial techniques such as discovery are not needed, as the entire process is transparent to both parties, and to the experts involved. And experts are only involved on an as-needed basis, thus reducing the costs typically associated with an adversarial divorce. The overall outcome is that the right people are helping a family get through a most difficult time, with as little harm as possible.

Finally, the strength of collaborative divorce hinges on the idea that if either party decides to stop the collaborative process and litigate, then the entire team - attorneys, financial experts, mental health experts, everyone - is dissolved; and the parties must start over from scratch. This is a pretty large incentive for couples to stay with the collaborative process, even when things get difficult. And, it acknowledges that even in the face of the most positive approach, things will get difficult.

There are many benefits to a family for taking the collaborative approach. What I've observed, and heard in feedback from my clients, is that they appreciate the ability to remain in control of their divorce, all the way through, and to the final outcome. Each family is unique. There simply is no way that the state family code can craft a one-size-fits-all divorce that truly fits all families. Even with some of the different configurations available in the statute (such as making a different parenting schedule for parents who live long distances from one another), it still cannot be made to fit every individual family that is attempting to structure their post-divorce life. However, in an adversarial divorce, the judge's hands are tied by these statutes, and there is very little room to rule according to the particular needs of YOUR family. In collaborative divorce, you stay in control of the process, and of the outcome. Not the attorneys. Not the judge. YOU.

One other benefit that seems worth mentioning: in an adversarial divorce, the accusations get crazy and the dirty laundry gets aired in public. Along with the inherent shame of a "failed marriage" (which is bogus, but that's another blog post for another day), there is additional public humiliation heaped upon both parties as they vie for a "winning position" in divorce court. Ouch. Collaborative divorce keeps your private life private.

Collaborative divorce is different in different states. It is more advanced in some states, such as Minnesota and California. It is just taking root in some states, such as Texas. It is a notion practiced but not formally sanctioned by statute in many other states. In some cases, it looks a lot like mediation, and in many ways it is a lot like mediation.

It's a radically new and fresh way to get a divorce. It's a godsend for people who want to peaceably re-structure their families, and move on with their post-divorce lives; with their dignity, their hearts, their finances, and most importantly, their spirits intact. It is my preferred way to divorce, and the first option that I offer every client who comes through my door. If you are considering divorce, even if you or your spouse has already filed for divorce, give collaborative divorce your careful consideration. You may be glad that you did.

Peace.

The Champagne Bottle Across the Bow

And the blog ship also known as "The Divorce Coach" launches on its maiden voyage.

There are so many things I want to say about divorce, about gently restructuring families, about dealing with the pain and heartache of taking something apart that you never planned or wanted to take apart. So many hints and tips I want to share that I know from experience (my own and others') will ease the difficulty and allow you to come through this. I want to give you hope. I want to encourage you to continue to reach deep for the strength it will take to consistently step up and do what is best for your family, even when it seems difficult. I want to help you see the potential damage that can be inflicted on your kids, and what you can do to mitigate that.

All this and more... but what I discovered, after setting up this blog a few weeks ago and then not posting a darn thing... is that there are so many things all wanting to come through the "door" of the blog at the same time that I went these past few weeks not posting any of them.

And so, with patience for my ADHD and my intense passion to help others navigate the tricky waters of divorce and get to the other side of it with hope, dignity, self-respect, and a viable path to healing, here goes the "sort" process. This first post is what seems most important to me today.

As I learn more about blogging, I know that I'll be able to help more. There are so many other great sites and blogs and message groups that I hope to post the links to here. I also coach in real life, in the great state of Texas, and I coach in Second Life as an avatar named "Andi Martinsyde". In both business venues, my business name is "Reliable Divorce Consultants".

My foremost desire is to help you get through your divorce. It truly feels like a "life calling" to me. There are others (sadly, way too few!) out there who do what I do - and every one of them that I have met or contacted says the same thing: it feels like a "life calling". Many of them have left or shifted a legal profession to do this. Others come out of the counseling profession to make this their specialty. Although I am a psychologist, I am not a licensed counselor, and as I coach you through your divorce, I will not practice therapy. I also do not practice law, although I do partner up with several attorneys and cross-refer with several more that I believe see divorce and family restructuring with the same vision that I do.

Divorce coaching and collaborative divorce are relatively new fields, and we all stumble as we go along. But even as we feel our way through uncharted territory, we know that the new world we explore is a better solution than the old practice of earth-scorching divorce.

Fully one-half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce today. This figure has held steady for nearly a generation now. If you are contemplating divorce, going through divorce, dealing with post-divorce difficulty, or watching helplessly as a loved one endures this life-altering experience, please stay tuned here. I hope that what I provide will be of value and benefit to you, and that you will ultimately find your life blessed by learning and applying what is taught here.

Peace.