Quite often when I'm working with parents as they learn to co-parent effectively, I discover that a good many folks don't know the basics of listening.
Listening with your heart and your energy is a gift you give to someone else. It entails putting your own needs "on-hold". This not only includes the need to speak (that's the obvious one, since you cannot listen and speak at the same time), it also includes the need to "be right", the need to judge, the need to defend yourself or your image, the need to feel better about yourself or the situation, the need to be heard, and the need to correct or persuade the other person to agree with your point of view.
Listening with your whole self also includes paying attention to the non-verbal cues the other person is sending. It means engaging at a level where you can really understand them. Its objective is to fully connect with the other person, right where they are.
So, getting straight from theory, see if you can spot how the following statements put listening into a whole new realm:
"Wow! That seems really huge to you - will you tell me more?"
"What happened?"
"How did that make you feel?"
"What would you like instead?"
"Help me understand how this would make a difference for you"
"You seem really worked up over this - can you let me see why this is important to you?"
"What do you need from me?"
Remember, the gift is not in merely asking the question. The gift is in putting your own needs on hold and truly staying in the question with the other person, until you have connected on a heart level. This is not the same thing as merely allowing them to speak until they have to take a breath... and then jumping in with your own defense. If you are truly listening with your heart, you will suppress the urge to defend yourself. The gift is to make it about THEM, not about YOU.
This is more difficult than you may believe, and it takes a lot of practice.
One thing that helps during practice is quickly admitting when you didn't get it on that particular attempt.
Try this: "Oops - you started talking about something you needed, and I accidentally went to a place where I was getting defensive and wanting to point out times when I already gave you what you needed. That's not what I wanted to do here. I wanted to listen to you and hear what you really need. Can we please try that conversation again?"
Or: "Oh I apologize - I started thinking about how that particular thing made ME feel, and I really didn't want to focus on that. I would rather focus on how YOU felt. Will you please tell me that again?"
The gift of listening is especially powerful when we are with our children. Too often, we think we are in a "teaching moment" when we actually are not. Or, what we end up "teaching" our children is that we are more inclined to pontificate than to listen to their hearts. Too often, what our children learn in those "teaching moments" is that they cannot approach their parent and share. Other times, we believe it's more important to convince our children that they must behave a certain way - not for their sakes, but because we as parents fear for our images. Guilt-ridden post-divorce parents are especially vulnerable to this particular temptation.
Imagine what it might be like for your child to speak with you, knowing full well that you were NOT going to respond with a lecture, a sweeping solution, a judgment of them or their idea or their friends, or some re-write of their perception that protects your image. Imagine how it feels to a kid to be validated and valued for their own thoughts, feelings, and ideas.
Divorce often exposes poor parenting habits that became entrenched during marriage. What was "good enough" when there were two parents in the same home is now not enough when parents are trying to re-build their own lives and help their children recover from a shattered family as well. You may desperately want to hear that your children are "doing fine", that they are "adjusting", that they are "happy". (And, if you are still carrying around bitterness and acrimony toward your children's other parent, you may also enjoy hearing that your children are "miserable" whenever they are with that other parent - and believe me, your children will pick up on that desire, and very likely oblige it.) It may feel temporarily good to have your children validate your needs... but it isn't very mature, and it certainly damages your children.
Better to get your emotional energy from grown-ups... and then use that energy to give your children the greatest gift: the gift of listening.
Peace.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
The "Kobe Bryant" Effect
Anyone who is familiar with professional basketball has seen what happens when the L.A. Lakers are falling behind in a clutch game. At some point, Kobe Bryant -- an amazingly talented basketball player -- will "take charge". He will take the ball to the basket rather than pass it off to a teammate. More importantly, he will draw individual members of the opposing team into a game of "one-on-one". His ability to make the impossible shot is rivaled by his ability to reduce each member of the opposing team into one single player flanked by four non-contributors.
Whenever Kobe Bryant can succeed in this strategy and suck the opposing player into taking him on single-handedly, then most of the time, Kobe wins.
What does this have to do with divorce?
Only this: there are two possible ways to re-structure your family and move on with your post-divorce life. One is to engage a team full of people - professionals, such as your attorney, your therapist, your accountant; as well as non-professionals, such as your best friend, your sister, or your golfing buddy. Each of these team members has a role to play, and each can and should be trusted with specific aspects (notice I did not say "all") of your divorce experience. The other way to re-structure your family is to take on your soon-to-be ex-spouse, one on one.
This can happen in several ways. You may be hiding your head in the sand, hoping that all the divorce madness will go away if you don't acknowledge it. Don't seek for attorneys, don't address the emotional issues, pretend your children are "just fine".
Another way to play one on one is to hire an attorney with the hope that they will "fix everything", and protect you from getting ripped apart in the divorce. This is often the kind of attorney that you will later complain is unresponsive to you, doesn't answer your phone calls, or do what you ask them to do. Well... why would they, when you did not develop a professional relationship with them in the first place?
Like Kobe Bryant and the L.A. Lakers, there can be times when it appears that two teams are on the court, when in actuality, their team power has been nullified.
And just like any team opposing the Lakers, if you attempt to go one-on-one in your divorce, you will probably lose. And by "lose", I don't mean the opposite of "win". Nobody "wins" a divorce. Nobody. By "lose", I mean to forego so much of your personal power, your dignity, your family, your emotional support, your financial control, that recovery from the devastation requires years - and perhaps even a lifetime - of rebuilding.
What can you do instead? Engage with the professionals in your divorce. Don't hand it all off to an attorney and say "wake me when it's over". Make your attorney a partner in the divorce process from the beginning. When interviewing prospective attorneys, steer clear of the ones who say "leave it all to me". As appealing as that sounds when you are overwhelmed, it will come back to haunt you later, when your attorney drives off with your divorce and you are no longer in control. You want to start right off with an attorney who engages as the legal expert, but who leaves you clearly in charge of the divorce itself.
Likewise, engage with a counselor or therapist from the start. There is simply no way you or your children can reasonably expect to get through this without some massive emotional upheaval. So recognize that you will need someone who is trained to listen, to provide support and counsel, to guide you and your family as you move into the next phase. Start right out with this person so that you can take advantage of their guidance before you make costly mistakes that will be much more difficult to fix later on.
If you can find a good coach to bring all of these pieces together, you will be light years ahead. During divorce, you are resource-depleted. You have neither the time nor the wherewithal to sort through all of the free advice coming at you; likewise, you may find it overwhelming to attempt a search for professionals that you know nothing about. However, a good coach can listen to you, hear the major elements of concern, and then recommend several professionals for you to choose from. Along with a recommendation, you should expect a good coach to tell you why they recommended that particular professional for you, as well as give you a list of questions you can ask, and the types of answers you should listen for, in that initial interview, before you sign a contract or pay a retainer.
A divorce coach is no different from the coach of any other team. Their job is to bring all of the players together, to optimize performance of each one to bring about a common goal. They can select which player needs to be in the game, and when. They can call the plays, while also leaving the ultimate decisions to the ones actually out on the playing floor. Most importantly, they can prevent a "Kobe" on the opposing team from engaging you in a deadly one-on-one match, that you will ultimately lose.
The best way to get through divorce is the most peaceable way. When a good coach is optimizing a professional team on your behalf, it not only brings the divorce conclusion around more quickly, it also minimizes the individual one-on-one conflict along the way.
Peace.
Whenever Kobe Bryant can succeed in this strategy and suck the opposing player into taking him on single-handedly, then most of the time, Kobe wins.
What does this have to do with divorce?
Only this: there are two possible ways to re-structure your family and move on with your post-divorce life. One is to engage a team full of people - professionals, such as your attorney, your therapist, your accountant; as well as non-professionals, such as your best friend, your sister, or your golfing buddy. Each of these team members has a role to play, and each can and should be trusted with specific aspects (notice I did not say "all") of your divorce experience. The other way to re-structure your family is to take on your soon-to-be ex-spouse, one on one.
This can happen in several ways. You may be hiding your head in the sand, hoping that all the divorce madness will go away if you don't acknowledge it. Don't seek for attorneys, don't address the emotional issues, pretend your children are "just fine".
Another way to play one on one is to hire an attorney with the hope that they will "fix everything", and protect you from getting ripped apart in the divorce. This is often the kind of attorney that you will later complain is unresponsive to you, doesn't answer your phone calls, or do what you ask them to do. Well... why would they, when you did not develop a professional relationship with them in the first place?
Like Kobe Bryant and the L.A. Lakers, there can be times when it appears that two teams are on the court, when in actuality, their team power has been nullified.
And just like any team opposing the Lakers, if you attempt to go one-on-one in your divorce, you will probably lose. And by "lose", I don't mean the opposite of "win". Nobody "wins" a divorce. Nobody. By "lose", I mean to forego so much of your personal power, your dignity, your family, your emotional support, your financial control, that recovery from the devastation requires years - and perhaps even a lifetime - of rebuilding.
What can you do instead? Engage with the professionals in your divorce. Don't hand it all off to an attorney and say "wake me when it's over". Make your attorney a partner in the divorce process from the beginning. When interviewing prospective attorneys, steer clear of the ones who say "leave it all to me". As appealing as that sounds when you are overwhelmed, it will come back to haunt you later, when your attorney drives off with your divorce and you are no longer in control. You want to start right off with an attorney who engages as the legal expert, but who leaves you clearly in charge of the divorce itself.
Likewise, engage with a counselor or therapist from the start. There is simply no way you or your children can reasonably expect to get through this without some massive emotional upheaval. So recognize that you will need someone who is trained to listen, to provide support and counsel, to guide you and your family as you move into the next phase. Start right out with this person so that you can take advantage of their guidance before you make costly mistakes that will be much more difficult to fix later on.
If you can find a good coach to bring all of these pieces together, you will be light years ahead. During divorce, you are resource-depleted. You have neither the time nor the wherewithal to sort through all of the free advice coming at you; likewise, you may find it overwhelming to attempt a search for professionals that you know nothing about. However, a good coach can listen to you, hear the major elements of concern, and then recommend several professionals for you to choose from. Along with a recommendation, you should expect a good coach to tell you why they recommended that particular professional for you, as well as give you a list of questions you can ask, and the types of answers you should listen for, in that initial interview, before you sign a contract or pay a retainer.
A divorce coach is no different from the coach of any other team. Their job is to bring all of the players together, to optimize performance of each one to bring about a common goal. They can select which player needs to be in the game, and when. They can call the plays, while also leaving the ultimate decisions to the ones actually out on the playing floor. Most importantly, they can prevent a "Kobe" on the opposing team from engaging you in a deadly one-on-one match, that you will ultimately lose.
The best way to get through divorce is the most peaceable way. When a good coach is optimizing a professional team on your behalf, it not only brings the divorce conclusion around more quickly, it also minimizes the individual one-on-one conflict along the way.
Peace.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Book Review - "The Power of a Positive No"
“The Power of a Positive No” by William Ury
William Ury is the co-author of the “Bible” of negotiators, “Getting to Yes” (written along with Roger Fisher); and also authored the follow-up book “Getting Past No”. Ury writes that this third book, “The Power of a Positive No” is the final element of the trilogy. By applying the understanding presented in these three books, negotiators of all stripes are able to bring disputing parties together into agreement.
In daily life, we all understand the need for boundaries. We also instinctively realize that in order to protect our boundaries, we must learn to say “No”. “No” is a necessary tool. However, this creates a dilemma for relationship. How do we maintain a boundary space between our Self and Others, while remaining linked to that Other?
Enter the technique of “Yes! No. Yes?” Ury presents this series of responses as the powerful way to say “No” (maintain a boundary), while still preserving relationship.
Here is how it works: your “Yes!” represents your values and your fundamental character. It is rooted in the unchangeable features that make up what you are. It emphatically states what you stand for, and what is immovable in your life. It may be important to you to say “Yes!” to integrity, honesty, love, kindness, generosity, or hard work. It is where your purpose, passion, and personal vision live. It is expressed with exclamation because it is just that bold and meaningful.
Your “No.” represents your boundary. It stands for what is not okay with you, or what you will not do, allow, or agree to. It affirms your right as a human being to make autonomous choices. It is stated with clarity and straightforward expression, without any extraneous explanation or excuse. It is a simple statement that preserves your self-respect as well as the dignity of the Other. It treats all parties with a clear, concise, specific line over which you will not cross.
Your “Yes?” represents a reaching out to the Other. It proposes an alternate plan, one that will not violate your values or vision, but extends connection to the Other in order to preserve relationship. It places value on both your own personal identity, while still valuing the needs and wants of the Other.
Your “Yes?” is freely given, no strings attached. You will not back off from your “No.”, you will not renounce your “Yes!”, but the “Yes?” is an offer. It is put forth to the Other as an invitation – and it is entirely the choice of the Other whether they will accept your “Yes?” offer, decline it, or make a counteroffer. If they make a counteroffer, then you can start all over again with the “Yes! No. Yes?” technique. If the counteroffer does not violate your “Yes!” or your “No.”, then you have agreement, and both your Self and your relationship is preserved and strengthened.
William Ury presents a wealth of examples from everyday life, as well as from his extensive experience as a negotiator, to demonstrate this technique. In his book, he breaks out each of the elements of the “Yes! No. Yes?” tool, and carefully tutors the reader in how to be effective at each step. A good portion of the early chapters is dedicated to helping the reader identify and clarify their values, so that they can be quite solid in the expression of their “Yes!”
In the middle chapters, he illustrates the “No.” statement with multiple examples – each demonstrating the principles of firmness, respect, conciseness, and clearness that he espouses. The final chapters provide a multitude of ideas to creatively extend the “Yes?”, as well as how to respond to the Other when they accept your “Yes?”, or when they return with a counteroffer.
This book is highly recommended, not only to alternative dispute practitioners, but to anyone who negotiates in everyday life. If you can fog a mirror, you need this book. It will improve the quality of all of your relationships, both the ones that you have opted into for the joy of it, as well as the ones that you are bound to by necessity or circumstance.
Peace.
William Ury is the co-author of the “Bible” of negotiators, “Getting to Yes” (written along with Roger Fisher); and also authored the follow-up book “Getting Past No”. Ury writes that this third book, “The Power of a Positive No” is the final element of the trilogy. By applying the understanding presented in these three books, negotiators of all stripes are able to bring disputing parties together into agreement.
In daily life, we all understand the need for boundaries. We also instinctively realize that in order to protect our boundaries, we must learn to say “No”. “No” is a necessary tool. However, this creates a dilemma for relationship. How do we maintain a boundary space between our Self and Others, while remaining linked to that Other?
Enter the technique of “Yes! No. Yes?” Ury presents this series of responses as the powerful way to say “No” (maintain a boundary), while still preserving relationship.
Here is how it works: your “Yes!” represents your values and your fundamental character. It is rooted in the unchangeable features that make up what you are. It emphatically states what you stand for, and what is immovable in your life. It may be important to you to say “Yes!” to integrity, honesty, love, kindness, generosity, or hard work. It is where your purpose, passion, and personal vision live. It is expressed with exclamation because it is just that bold and meaningful.
Your “No.” represents your boundary. It stands for what is not okay with you, or what you will not do, allow, or agree to. It affirms your right as a human being to make autonomous choices. It is stated with clarity and straightforward expression, without any extraneous explanation or excuse. It is a simple statement that preserves your self-respect as well as the dignity of the Other. It treats all parties with a clear, concise, specific line over which you will not cross.
Your “Yes?” represents a reaching out to the Other. It proposes an alternate plan, one that will not violate your values or vision, but extends connection to the Other in order to preserve relationship. It places value on both your own personal identity, while still valuing the needs and wants of the Other.
Your “Yes?” is freely given, no strings attached. You will not back off from your “No.”, you will not renounce your “Yes!”, but the “Yes?” is an offer. It is put forth to the Other as an invitation – and it is entirely the choice of the Other whether they will accept your “Yes?” offer, decline it, or make a counteroffer. If they make a counteroffer, then you can start all over again with the “Yes! No. Yes?” technique. If the counteroffer does not violate your “Yes!” or your “No.”, then you have agreement, and both your Self and your relationship is preserved and strengthened.
William Ury presents a wealth of examples from everyday life, as well as from his extensive experience as a negotiator, to demonstrate this technique. In his book, he breaks out each of the elements of the “Yes! No. Yes?” tool, and carefully tutors the reader in how to be effective at each step. A good portion of the early chapters is dedicated to helping the reader identify and clarify their values, so that they can be quite solid in the expression of their “Yes!”
In the middle chapters, he illustrates the “No.” statement with multiple examples – each demonstrating the principles of firmness, respect, conciseness, and clearness that he espouses. The final chapters provide a multitude of ideas to creatively extend the “Yes?”, as well as how to respond to the Other when they accept your “Yes?”, or when they return with a counteroffer.
This book is highly recommended, not only to alternative dispute practitioners, but to anyone who negotiates in everyday life. If you can fog a mirror, you need this book. It will improve the quality of all of your relationships, both the ones that you have opted into for the joy of it, as well as the ones that you are bound to by necessity or circumstance.
Peace.
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