Thursday, October 16, 2008

Whose Weekend Is It, Anyway?

One of the first things I teach parents is to change the words they use.

Parents are parents ALL the time. And children are NOT possessions.

I realize that the law treats the children like possessions. I realize that many parents do, too. I realize that many parents truly wish that their former spouse would simply wither and disappear, or get abducted by aliens, or in some other way vanish from the planet. This of course comes from an angry-ex-spouse place, and not from an understanding-the-emotional-needs of their children place.

Too many attitudes treat kids as though they are a trophy to be passed back and forth and fought over. As though they are merely one more "thing" to be split apart, like the bank account and the household furniture.

But reality is, children are 98.6-degree human beings with feelings and emotional needs, and one of the greatest needs they have is to remain in relationship with both parents. And, the reality is, that both parents remain parents after divorce. And no matter what a "custody" and "possession" order state, a parent is a parent 24/7.

So, let's change the way we talk about those relationships.

"Custody" = let's eliminate this word altogether. "Custody" implies that the children "belong" to one parent, and the other parent gets to "borrow" them from time to time. "Joint custody" (the real kind, not the joke that's written into most legal statutes), if it's truly a rebuttable presumption in the law, means that both parents are parents. Okay. Then no need for words to say it.

"Custody battle" = eliminated too. All parents remain parents. No need to fight.

"Possession" = "primary/active parenting time". One parent has a period of time when they are the primary/active parent. They are the first line responsible for the kids during that time. They take care of the kids in all ways, feed them, clothe them, house them, taxi them, support them, cheer for them, teach them, etc. The other parent is the "secondary" during this time. Think of it like a team where one player is out on the field, while another one is on the bench. The benched player is still on the team, still at the game, and ready to go out on the field if needed. Both are still players, both are still on the team, both are still responsible for the team's success... it's just that one is actively on the field while the other is back-up. And then they switch places.

"Access" = this is another phrase that should simply be eliminated. Every child ought to have access to both parents, any time they want it. A child of a non-divorced family can talk to Mom or Dad whenever they need to; call either parent on the phone; spend time with either parent as needed. Children should not have to lose this access to either parent just because the parents have decided to divorce.

"My time" = see "Possession". It isn't the PARENT'S time to own the kids. It's the CHILDREN'S time to be primarily in the care of that parent. Let's just stop using "my time" and "your time", "it's your Mom's week", "this is your Dad's weekend", "I get Christmas", etc. Children should never have to hear themselves referred to in this way. There is no quicker way to make a child feel like a piece of meat.

Imagine how much more quickly children would recover from divorce, if they knew that they were still cared-for by two loving parents. If children knew that today, Dad is your primary call, but Mom is right there as back-up... or next week, Mom is your primary, but Dad is right there as back-up. And you can call and talk to either one without getting dirty looks or snide comments. And it's okay to love either one, and to look forward to a relationship with either one.

Parents, parents, parents: it's not "your" weekend. It's your children's lifetime. If you truly love them, then you will erase these harmful words from your vocabulary, and practice saying the words that actually support relationship with two parents. If you struggle with this, then it's okay to get help. Talk it over with a counselor or coach - ask how to resolve the emotions that are blocking your way to being the kind of parent your children truly need: the kind that values their relationship with the other parent.

It's time to learn a new language: the language of Parental Support.

Peace.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Use Professionals Wisely

When we approach divorce, the most obvious professional that we believe we must engage is an attorney. After all, the act of getting un-married is a legal event, and we want to make sure that we have correctly completed all pre-requisites for accomplishing that according to the law.

If divorce were merely a sterile legal event, with no emotional, or financial, or family ties, then the only role of an attorney would be as something of a clerk: to check procedure, ensure that all paperwork was correctly filed, and to prepare to legally dissolve the entity called "your marriage", which no longer exists.

But, divorce is not sterile. Feelings are involved. Parties are disappointed, hurt, betrayed, frightened, sad, angry, anxious, or otherwise distressed. And since we don't know how to deal with the emotional part, we tend to absorb it into the legal part. Rather than saying "I feel betrayed, and I don't know what to do with that", we say "that S.O.B. cheated, and I'm going to skewer him in court!" We expect the legal system, via a judge, to first validate our feelings; and second to 'fix' them by giving us something tangible, such as the marital assets or the children.

Once the feelings start to impact our legal decisions, we transition from using the legal profession as a compliance mechanism, to using it as a retribution mechanism. Rather than asking an attorney to make sure that the paperwork gives us a legal divorce, we ask an attorney to protect our 'rights' in the law.

Take your emotions in to the average attorney, and at best, you will find yourself paying attorney's hourly rates in order to get some emotional ranting off your chest... something you could have done for about half the price, had you gone to a licensed psychologist instead. At worst, you will stumble into one of the handful of attorneys who love to make their living off of highly emotional, combative, angry, and irrational people who cross their thresholds. Such an attorney can keep you in your emotional state, keep the conflict stirred up, and keep the fees pouring in.

You may feel a sense of hope -- a promise that if this attorney can protect all of your 'rights', then the feelings of anger, sadness, betrayal, grief, disappointment, and fear will go away. The problem is, they don't go away. Even if you somehow "won" everything in the divorce (extremely unlikely), even if you got 100% of the marital assets, the kids, and a permanent latch onto your ex-spouse's future income, you'd still be saddled with the exact same emotions that you had before. This is because those emotions do not go away by fighting in court. Those emotions only go away when you do the heart work that it requires to deal with them. And that does not happen in a courtroom... that happens in a counselor's office.

Getting through divorce is huge. It is not something to be taken on by an amateur. By the same token, there is no one single professional who can handle every aspect of your divorce. Use an attorney to help you take care of the legal part. Use a counselor to help you take care of the emotional part. Use a financial expert to help you take care of the financial part.

Use a coach to help you manage all of those parts, help you find the right professionals, and help you engage that at the right point and in the most optimum way. What you'll find is that -- when all is said and done -- you got through your divorce with more of your dignity intact, more of your heart intact, and more of your assets intact. This is the best possible position to be in when rebuilding a life of singledom, after dissolving your marriage.

Peace.